Hobby

In A Galaxy Far Far Away

Sa Wadi Khrap,

The flight from Copenhagen-London-Hong Kong-Bangkok was excruciatingly long. New Years Day was not meant for so much activity.

On the last leg of the flight the pilot thought it would be amusing to hit every pocket of turbulence possible. There were a number of hung-over party goers who tested the liquid durability of the complimentary paper bags. It wasn’t pretty at all.

Hong Kong airport will fine you a 1000 USD if you’re caught smoking.

The SARS scare continues to linger in Asia. Airports check people for high fever prior to boarding. They wonder why so many people have high fevers at airports. I think it’s because of the guy in the military uniform who points a pistol shaped thermometer at your forehead and pulls the trigger.

So now I live in Bangkok.

U.S. Homeland Security has developed a Customs-Trade Partnership against Terrorism agreement in hopes of ensuring secure exports to the US. I work as a security auditor. My job is to evaluate the security risk within factories in South East Asia who export to the US. Though I do not have a licence to kill, I do have a terrorist huntin’ permit.

I was supposed to travel to Bangladesh next week, I’ve had to postpone it because it’s cattle-sacrifice week.

It was 32 degrees yesterday. Chilly for this time of year.

The only exercise I’m getting is on my way to work. One has to be nimble and quick to weave through Bangkok traffic!

Dogs run rampant here. As far as I know they are not a source of nutrition.

Pop gan mai (later),

Lars

In case you are inclined to send goodies or money, my home address is:

Lars Roberts

Nagara Mansion

23/1 Soi Nai-Lert, Apartment 3 A

Wireless Road

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Asian Adventures: Week 2

A Bird Flu Over This Cukoo’s Nest

The avian influenza is taking the country by storm. Despite mass chicken-cide of affected poultry, Prime Minister Thaksin has been reluctant to admit that the country is suffering any form of bird flu. I read this information while having a scrumptious meal at KFC.

The Chinese are currently ushering in their new year, out with the sheep and in with the monkey. It’s supposed to be a lucky year.

In Thailand they mostly celebrate Buddha’s birthday which makes it year 2547. Buddha was meditating on a mountain peak 500 years before Jesus built his first spice rack.

Everyone smiles here. It’s a happy place.

There are 7 million people in Bangkok and 14 million cars. Thai people will often live in a shack and own a Jaguar.

The average salary here is a little over 2000 Baht (70 USD) per month and the average cell phone costs 10.000 baht. Somehow everyone owns one except for me.

Thailand has reached the epitome of grand cuisine. McDonalds delivers here!

I’m taller than most people here. This is fun until a Scandinavian comes by and makes me look like a midget.

In general, Thai’s have trouble pronouncing letters R, and S. This makes my name absolutely impossible. So they call me Mr. Laa, which actually means handsome. I don’t mind that so much.

Thailand changed its name from Siam in 1939.

Travel from one destination to another is not measured in distance or time as we know it, it is measured in traffic volume.

While Thailand prides itself on not having been a colony, the damn British must have had some influence as they drive on the wrong side of the road here.

A full bag of fresh pineapple will set you back almost 20 cents. It’s really really good.

Sophie was visiting last week. We spent an evening atop the world’s tallest hotel watching the sun set into the Asian haze from the 84^th floor.

Tall and handsome, for the moment at least,

Lars.

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Asian Adventures: Week 3

White sands, blue water and cold, cold beer

Spent the weekend on the Island of Samet (Koh Samed).

The only time a speedo should be worn is at the Olympics. There is no other reason in the world to be seen wearing one of them in public. Since none of us are going to the Olympics, let’s just make that pact now. Shall we?

I note that Thai girls are also very popular amongst the non-Thai male population.

Dinner was served on a blanket, by a bamboo table and a little lantern. We sat under the stars and listened to the waves crashing just a few feet away.

Two Japanese girls wanted their picture taken with me for some reason. They must have had a lame weekend and needed to get some action photos for the gang back home.

The beach massage has to be the most over-rated of all massages. It only took a few grains of sand to tear into my sun burned back for me to remember why.

Thai girls are busy using whitening cream to burn their brown skin white and we are busy lying on their beaches burning our white skin brown.

Last weekend 672 sky divers from 42 different countries set a world record by jumping out of 6 planes over Bangkok.

A Lonely Planet survey has voted Thailand as the most favorite holiday destination. Only Quebecers chose Florida over Thailand.

The Thai people do have a sense of humour. While my subtle sarcasm is sometimes lost on them, they do enjoy watching grown men dress up as women. If they are tossing custard pies at one another, that’s hilarious.

Pedestrians do not have the right of way.

My advice to tourists is to remain on one side of the street for their entire visit and see the other side next time they come.

Pop gan mai,

Lars

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Asian Adventures: Week 4

Stretching The Mind

Hey Folks,

Any country that still prints bills with a value of less than 50 cents is OK with me.

Thai beer is very good. In particular Chiang beer. It has won many international brewing competitions. Most importantly, they are cheap and come in half litre bottles.

On public transport Thai men will give up their seat to the women. People cue in an orderly fashion to get onto the sky train and despite extremely honk-able circumstances, drivers almost never lean into their horns.

I think they’re even more polite than Canadians, sorry but it’s true. Sorry.

The people love their King. They even have a musical tribute to him, actually King Sirindhorn composed it himself. It’s like an anthem and it’s played prior to films at the theatre.

We’ve got meat on a stick here. Any kind you like, and probably a few you don’t like so much.

Thai girls are rather petite and so the clothing market caters to very slim people. Foreign girls are forced to shop for XXL sizes. Most women I know don’t like that so much.

A new language is always hard to learn even without the 5 different tones. For example; The word Mei can mean wood, silk, ok, new and not. I am looking for new silk, not new wood, ok? I am looking for mei mei, mei mei mei, mei? Oh My.

Dragon fruit is a lot like the kiwi and my colleague likes it a lot. Not so much for the taste but because she thinks it’s pretty.

As a general rule I have found that advice from hotel clerks is better than that of taxi drivers.

An Indian man was tossed from my flight to Bangladesh, not while we were airborne, we let him off in Burma. He was drinking from his flask during takeoff and the stewardess (flight attendant) took it away from him. He yelled profanities after her and she fired back, “Don’t talk to me in that bad Indian English. I don’t understand you.”

Now he’s in Rangoon with nothing to drink.

Week 5

Asian Adventures: Week 5

From Dawn till Dusk, Dhaka

When I look in the mirror in the morning I know I’m the only white guy I’m going to see today.

Tomorrow is another Hartal. These dawn-dusk political strikes disrupt everything. I can’t leave the hotel. Work comes to a halt, driving is prohibited, vehicles will be burned. Opposition leaders use bribery and scare-tactics to ensure mass demonstrations against the government.

The government doesn’t actually listen to any of these demands. The only thing that is accomplished is a date is set for the next Hartal.

As I see it, it’s a scam for more days off work in the name of political activism.

Canada has lowered the points needed for immigration by Bengalis. I did meet 30 Canadian wanna-bees, but they didn’t know how cold it really was..and now Bangladesh isn’t looking so bad.

138 million people, they all have car horns, and they feel the need to test them at 3 second intervals.

I have to tell you about bricks. You see, there are no stones in this country, and so they make bricks, millions of them. ‘Professional’ brick-breakers smash these bricks into little pieces to be used in cement, for walls.

I find that if I speak with an East Indian accent, people understand me better. It’s a fun accent.

I was told to be prepared for the abject poverty. But nothing prepared me for the abject poverty. Minimum

wage is 17 dollars, a month.

But they don’t have to pay taxes.

You can still buy RC Cola and cassette tapes here.

I took a rickshaw ride around the city today. Lots of people smiling and pointing at me. Some people pointing and not smiling.

The Royal Bengali Tiger is a rare and fine breed. Don’t be caught poaching it though, that will set you back 35 dollars.

On the Sabbath (Friday) I visited the impressive National Assembly building. While I noticed that no one else was walking up to the massive building I mounted the steps anyway. It was only when a 10 year old boy ran up to me and pulled my arm that I realized that 1000 people has stopped to stare at me. OK, so we won’t be doing that. Oops, sorry about that. Tee hee.

Cricket: The only sport where goats and cattle can roam the pitch and not really disturb the game.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

In case you have wanted to tell people you love them in Bengali. (Don’t tell me you haven’t): Ami Tomaka Valobashi

Shovo Badaaye,

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Week 6

Asian Adventures: Week 6

Gone to Chittagong

Hey Folks,

Airport Tipping: The guy who got me a baggage cart wanted a tip. The guy who put my bag on the screening belt wanted a tip. The 3 guys who escorted me to the domestic terminal all wanted a tip, the guy who lifted my bag at the check-in counter wanted a tip, and the guy who pointed out my gate number wanted a tip.

They were mostly disappointed.

I did tip one of the 3 lads who brought me to the domestic terminal. But he wanted tips for all 3. I told him to share. He said it wasn’t enough. I told him he could keep the tip or give it back.

Ungrateful little prats.

The only honest thieves were the 10 dirty little orphans who accosted me, all wanting a dollar. For nothing. I can appreciate honesty.

Over the intercom the stewardess informed us that spitting and chewing gum on Biman Air was strictly prohibited. I only fly the classy airlines.

According to some, Bangladesh is the most corrupt country in the world, 3 years running.

Muslim wailing in the wee hours of the morning is eerie and it wakes me up. I find that yelling; “Could you keep it down out there, the Heathens are trying to sleep.” has little or no affect.

Jute factories produce excellent reproductions of Afghani rugs at a fraction of the price. Get your orders in now. I know people.

It was bound to happen, my land cruiser smoked a baby taxi. We hit him so hard he’s now in another time zone. It’s like bumper cars on crack! No one got hurt. Nothing a little duct tape couldn’t fix.

Only a few metres above sea level, this country is ravaged by monsoons and cyclones. Every year, boats overflowing with life-jacket-less non-swimmers sink. And every year it happens again.

Oh the mosquitoes. There’s just no denting that population.

In the Bay of Bengal, Cox’s Bazaar boasts the longest sea beach in the world (125 km). The urge to snorkel there diminishes when you think of a billion people dumping human waste into the Ganges and Brahmaputra rivers.

Pepper shakers may also contain spicy curry. Or as I like to call it: “Oh-my-Christ-this-is-hot.”

Close to the loo,

Mr. Laaaaaaaaaaaa

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Week 7

Asian Adventures: Week 7

Beaches, Bengal Tigers and Betel nuts

At the beach I met the Irish World Cup team. Locals thought I was Irish as well. Rather than explain that I wasn’t Irish and couldn’t tell my Over from my Wicket, I signed autographs and thanked people for watching cricket on ESPN.

1 Lakh equal 100,000. 1 Crore equals 10,000,000. They actually use these terms in English newspapers and expect me to understand.

Bangladesh is a photographers heaven. The sights and sounds are breathtaking. The smells can be breathtaking too, but not in a good way.

Everyone calls me Boss, and there’s a lot of unnecessary saluting going on.

“Sincerely Boss, we actually work our employees 12 hours a day, 6 days a week but we don’t put it in the books. Can I tell you that privately?”

I lost my fake Oakley’s in the Bay of Bengal. That’s 1 pair in the Oslo Fjord, 1 for the Indian Ocean and now this. Damn waves.

I paid 8 cents for parking at the beach. So that made me feel better.

People chew betel nuts, lime paste and leaves. Apart from being a mild narcotic, it stains your teeth badly, and the vile bitter taste induces frequent spitting.

No, I won’t sponsor you.

So my hotel is called Harbour View. It’s 12 km from the beach. That’s what you get for booking over the net.

They put urinal deodorizers in the sinks. This tells me that people aren’t using sinks correctly.

Can you spell Encephalitis?

Visited Cox Bazaar with another pigment challenged fellow. We were more popular than post cards. Actually we were postcards, at least 40 people had pictures taken with us.

They laughed when I asked for money.

Many people ask me how to get a job and Canada. How the hell should I know?

Tired of being asked why my parents have not found a suitable bride for me, I now have a wedding band and 6 children, all boys. Who all aspire to be doctors.

This brings nods of great approval.

I survived Hartal 5 and 6. Hundreds arrested. Tension rises. Time to go.

The Mosquito Assassin,

Lars

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Week 8

Asian Adventures: Week 8

No dozing off

Dear Clan,

If a wild-eyed taxi driver with a long beard and a machete by his side, asks if you like George Bush..

Just say no.

Daal is a yellow lentil paste which is very high in protein. Tempered with assorted spices this serves as a nutritious meal for most Bengalis, 3 times a day.

Knife and fork are optional.

Drinking and gambling are forbidden because such things erode society. Religious fanaticism on the other hand is community building.

Nobody likes a drunk, religious zealot.

The religious holiday, Ashura, was far more peaceful here than Iraq and Pakistan. Praise Allah.

Steroids are readily available. You can buy them over-the-counter at your local pharmacy. They come in a variety of pretty colours and easy-to-chew tablets.

Air Quality Index assigns a numeric value to measure pollutants in the air. 50 points or below is good. Dhaka regularly scores over 200. Experts do not advise jogging or any other outdoor activity.

In perspective, both Ottawa and Copenhagen have levels below 10.

There’s a movement to restrict rickshaws on certain roads in Dhaka. They’re a nuisance and clog up traffic. Actually, Dhaka could do with a few more roads with just rickshaws.

Western retailers want developing countries to have both social and security standards to equal their own. They also want developing country prices for their products.

How reasonable is that?

A slum fire at Banani Lake absolutely decimated a shanty town. I witnessed the whole chaotic event as it unfolded across from my hotel. There was no escape for hundreds of people. The lucky ones retreated into the lake to avoid the raging fire. Rescue efforts were limited to a handful of personal fishing boats filled to the rim with hysterical women and children.

I helped people ashore and comforted kids whose parents were on the other side..

Fighter jets are escorting certain passenger flights on take off and landing. I experienced an aborted landing moments before touch-down in Bangkok..it was a tad disconcerting.

Ah, home sweet home.

Lars

P.S. If any of you want to chat real time for free, get yourself hooked up at www.skype.com you need a microphone and speakers.

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Week 9

Asian Adventures: Week 9

City of Angels

Sawadi Khrap,

I was a temple tourist this weekend. I saw Wat Trimit, 5 tons of solid gold! Wat Po, the oldest temple in Bangkok houses a 300 foot long reclining Buddha, and Wat Phra Keow where they worship their most revered object, the emerald Buddha.

I saw a sign outside a temple that asked women “...not to touch the monks”.

They do not put eggs in the fridge here. They do however bury them in the ground for 10 days and let them congeal until they turn black. Only then are they are good and tasty.

When the vendor asked if I wanted my coke in a bag, I didn’t expect him to actually pour my coke into a plastic bag.

It was thoughtful of him to also give me a straw. This process allows them to keep the bottle for the recycling money.

Donuts are popular here. You have to watch out for the curry ones though, as they really do not go well with morning coffee.

At night, the hard working elephants in the streets are required to use tail lights. Excuse the pun.

They have a hockey team here called the Flying Farangs (Foreigners), they even have their jersey in the hockey hall of fame.

7 Eleven sells seasoned squid in a bag.

I’m on my third maid. This one speaks no English. That should work out well. I am now learning new words like dry clean, privacy and toilet paper.

Ab Ob Nuad: Massage parlours with beautiful ladies who service ONLY gentlemen.

A haircut cost 4 dollars and it comes with a pretty decent neck massage.

Labour is very cheap and so the service is plentiful. One never has to go looking for staff, they find you.

I read in a local paper that someone fell into one of the canals (klongs) in Bangkok and when he surfaced he had mutant superpowers. Efforts are underway to clean the toxic klongs.

Thai police do not have radar guns. Instead, they paint 2 lines on the road and use a stop watch.

Thailand is so advanced compared to Bangladesh.

Wat, Wat, Wat,

Lars

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Week 10

Asian Adventures: Week 10

Tourist Hot Spots

Sawadi,

I have a monster trip coming up. If you are planning to be in; Pakistan, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan or Turkey over the next 6 weeks let me know.

My first rendez-vous is in Karachi. Let’s hook up, I know a good hang out.

I know mom won’t like this but I had to get War insurance.

Pakistan-India have a ‘friendly’ cricket match going on at the moment. I thought it would be over by the time I got there. But apparently these things can go on for 40 days.

Pakistani International Airlines only flies domestically.

In the official English romanisation, Bangkok is certified as the longest place name in the in the Guinness book of records. It's pronounced something like this:

Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit

I know people who have actually memorised this.

My maid, the III, asked me to buy a new iron because the one I have is too technologically advanced. Hmmmmm..

The ground water is being sucked out from under the city too quickly. Bangkok is sinking and in 50 years she may be facing a Thaitanic disaster.

Working the passenger boats along the klongs (canals) here can be dangerous. So the ferry boat workers wear hard helmets.

Motorcycle speed limits in the city have been dropped to 45 km. So when the family of 5 on the bike have an accident they don’t get too badly hurt.

Bangkok has a recycling program. Unlike some cities, I don’t need 4 different bins in my kitchen. I just toss it all into one bag and every Tuesday the garbage people descend on my stinking junk and sort it all by hand. Right there on the street.

Prime Minister Taksin is cracking down on Bangkok’s night life. Bars and clubs are forced to close at 2 am. More importantly, go-go dancers are no longer allowed to dance topless.

That’s what I hear.

Thai people walk so damn slow. You never see them walk up/down an escalator. They are never in a hurry.

I’ve never seen them sweat either. So they might be on to something.

Hundreds of tiny little ants invaded my cereal container. It was early in the morning, and I didn’t notice them until after breakfast.

Yummy.

Lars

p.s. chocolate coated ants are for sissies.

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Week 11

Asian Adventures Week 11

The Bin Laden Safari

Salaam Aleykum,

On the night before my trip to the Middle East I had a high school reunion with Trevor Buchinski and Jon Andresen. These two lads live in Bangkok and know some places.

We spent the evening on Khao San Road, the infamous back packers haven. It’s a great place for people watching and there’s lots of local talent.

When I got home that night I got into a fight with the cab driver about his rip-off fare. A scuffle ensued. The balance of power was in my favour. When he ran away I had hopes of getting up to my apartment without further ado. Instead, he came out of his car with a billy bat.

I did not back down. He turned out to be an excellent bats-man and I headed to the hospital with a few stitches here and there. (Not in his cab though).

Sometimes fighting for principle is worth it. Sometimes the 1.50 $ just isn’t worth it.

A little perspective can go a long way.

It seems I have missed my self-imposed Monday deadline for getting my update out. I have a good reason though:

I’m in Karachi.

I was not at all surprised to find the flight to Pakistan nearly empty.

The city is pretty dusty

I have been very impressed with the colourful buses. They are decorated like Christmas trees with the strangest trinkets and pieces of tin.

Cars have colours here that I haven’t seen since 1974. It’s very retro. I had no idea they were so fashionably advanced.

Ok. I think we need a quick re cap here. I am not on vacation. I have not chosen this particular time to site see in the Middle East. I do security audits (Customs Trade Partnership Against Terrorism)of factories exporting to the US. I work alone. HQ is in Hong Kong.

By the way, Thai stewardesses are very accommodating.

Lars

-El Traveller

"Not Afghans, Turks, or sons of Tartary. But of One garden and One trunk are we."

-Mohammed Iqbal.

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Asian Adventures: Week 12

Not Just a One Donkey Town

A terrible scene in Karachi yesterday as terrorists stormed a police station and sprayed it with bullets, killing 5 police officers. The focus has been on Waziristan, but those rat bastards are everywhere.

I try to avoid target areas and so far I feel quite safe.

Having said that, my hotel room was burglarized. So now some poor bugger is the proud owner of my cell phone. I wish him all the luck in figuring out how to use it.

Not a boring week.

Everyone wants to talk to me about religion, politics and economics. I try to steer them towards squash, cricket and the weather.

The squash phenom of the 80’s and 90’s Jansher Khan lives in Karachi. He runs a garment factory and he’s really, really fat.

I caught two guys laughing heartily at my Lund University t-shirt. In Urdu the word Lund is an obscene term for the male..uh, organ.

So we packed that shirt away.

Facial hair is very popular here. The peer pressure got to me and I started growing a mustache to fit in.

Just kidding.

Gas is 65 cents a liter here, most of which goes to debt repayment and private coffers. Few locals can afford to drive cars.

Donkey travel is a viable alternative.

I played golf at Karachi golf club yesterday, and even though I’m in the middle of a desert I still managed to find the water!

While inspecting factories here, I often find myself suddenly alone. Everyone goes off to pray. 5 times a day.

I realized that in 3 months I have not mentioned cockroaches or rats. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist, because they do. And they eat really well.

The richest man in Pakistan also happens to be the Finance Minister. Hmmm, that’s a good job.

Apparently Muslims don’t drink, but guys I went out with slipped whiskey into their cokes under the table. Very sneaky.

Drinking is for medicinal purposes only.

Under the full moon in Karachi,

Lars

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Week 13

Asian Adventures: Week 13

The Badlands

Hippidy Hop it’s Easter! Here in the heart of the Muslim faith there are not a lot of Christian celebrations taking place. Equally important: No chocolate bunnies!

I saw some live play off hockey on ESPN in Karachi! It was 10 in the morning, about 400 degrees and not a cold lager in site. Not quite the same, but at least it was hockey.

Hydrabad, Islamabad, Muzaffarabad, Wazirabad, Umarabad, Sadiqabad, Minchinabad, Jauharabad, Faisalabad…Islamagood doesn’t have the same ring to it I guess.

The northern part of Pakistan is home to 8 of the highest peaks in the world, save Mount Everest. I will have to climb K2 another day.

If you come across a sign that reads; “Ablution Place” do not be fooled that it looks deceptively similar to a men’s urinal. For it is not. It is actually a place to wash one’s hands or sacred vessels. It is not a place to relieve one’s self.

This should be in the Lonely Planet.

It’s not fair that Pakistanis have a better vocabulary than me.

Multan is best known for its mangos, tombs, dust storms and the heat. The hotel manager told me that Multan gets both extremes; +48 Celsius and even -2ºC.

I had to tell him that -2ºC was not an extreme.

Multan is probably the most sacred of Pakistani cities. Until recently, Muslim visitors would remove their shoes for the duration of their visit.

Let me tell you from personal experience why this tradition has stopped.

At 48º C, pavement gets really, really hot. I visited one of the tombs and had to take off my top siders. It was a short visit. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. OK let’s go.

I got to tour a mango plantation, with my shoes on, and later I played pool at a very local road-side grocery store. The table was 3 feet from the dusty roadside and the local kids rushed to have a game with me.

I spent the afternoon under the setting sun, scoffing down fresh mango and getting trounced by very sweaty mango pickers.

They should have been in school.

A few Western phenomena that do not apply here so much: Nice orderly line ups, Personal space and Deodorant.

You can learn all of this by taking a domestic flight.

This might be mentioned in the Lonely Planet.

You don’t have to be fluent in Urdu to understand that the word Baksheesh means tip or bribe, if you will. They’ll come right out and ask me for it.

Show me the money.

Here are two PA announcements I heard on my flight to Lahore:

“In case of an emergency please extinguish your cigarette before placing the oxygen mask over your mouth.”

And if that wasn’t enough, these were the next words out of her mouth:

“Prior to commencing our journey, let us read a short prayer from the Koran.”

Holy crap, what a treat. Is it too late to get off?

Here’s a name you don’t want to give your kid: “Ashfaq” Say it aloud 3 times and try not to feel sorry for the guy.

Most guys with this name go by “Ash”.

Gotta fly, there’s a big sale at Mustafa carpets.

Sada Khush Rahu (Be Happy)

Lars

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Week 14

Asian Adventures: Week 14

Amsterdam of the Middle East

Marhaba,

I have left the serenity of Karachi and the Arabian Sea.

Dubai is outstanding. Of course, a padded room and a straight jacket would be bliss compared to Pakistan. Here, there are no potholes, the people are friendly, and I don’t have to travel by donkey.

This city has money, imagination and money.

My room overlooks The Creek, which flows into the Gulf. I watch the antique dhows (boats) ferry people around. Most of these should probably be in Noah’s Museum of Arks.

They’re pretty. But you wouldn’t catch me in one.

The skyline is riddled with creative architecture. Every new building seems more extreme than the last.

Burj Al-Arab is the most expensive hotel in the world. Shaped like a sail, it’s located in the Gulf, they actually charge 70 $ for a tour.

I went Dune Bashing. If it sounds cool maybe more people will go, right? So I went. The pitch and roll meters in the 4x4 got a real work out.

I didn’t know that gravol needed to be taken prior to a desert safari.

The evening finished with a huge Bar-B-Q in the middle of nowhere. We could dress up as Arabs or have our bodies painted with henna.

While neither of these options appealed to me, they did have beer and a troupe of belly dancers.

Yeah. Belly dancers. I love the desert!

The coolest game in the world came to Dubai last night. I went to see the The Mighty Camels (local team of Ex-Pats, mostly Canadians) play an exhibition match against a Russian team that consisted of several players from the 1972 Summit Series. It was excellent.

Das Vidanya-

Lars

Go Habs Go

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Week 15

Asian Adventures: Week 15

Dry and Dull in Doha

Qatar didn’t start out well. They confiscated my whiskey at customs. Who does that?

Around the Gulf, Doha has the unenviable reputation of being the most boring place to be. Considering its competition in these parts I’m OK with that.

The Qatar Masters (Squash) is being played and I went down to see the top players in the world at Khalifa Stadium. I met World Champion Jonathon Power (Canadian).

On the court he makes John McEnroe look like a momma’s boy.

He actually stepped off the court twice to challenge the ref’s call. He’s a refs worst nightmare. But he’s entertaining as hell to watch.

Off the court he’s an extremely amiable guy. We went out and had some laughs and talked hockey. He’s a Montreal fan. We got on just swell.

Doha’s claim to fame is the ‘news’ agency Al Jazeera. If you want to see uninterrupted carnage, stay tuned.

They don’t censor anything on that channel. Except porn, there’s no porn on Al Jazeera.

I even stay up late. Nothing.

Now I’m in Bahrain, a cozy little place. Like Denmark. Yet smaller. And no mermaids.

Well maybe, but they’d better be wearing a birka!

Earlier this month they held the first-ever Formula 1 race in the Middle East right here. I saw the racetrack but they wouldn’t let me try it.

Oh come on.

I went for a stroll last night as evening prayers were being broadcast throughout the city. As I approached the Grand Mosque, it was clear that the ‘wailer’ had a cold and before he could shut off the microphone, he sneezed.

I tell you, it was like God himself sneezed in my ear.

The Saudis built a 26 km long bridge between the two countries and the drive over-top the Gulf is beautiful.

I did drive to the border but considering the recent bombings I decided to skip the pic-nic in Ridyah idea.

Maybe I’ll go diving for pearls or something.

Did you know that the largest pre-historic cemetery is here in Bahrain? Cliff Claven told me that.

Over and out,

Lars

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Week 16

Asian Adventures: Week 16

In The Valley of Kings and Camels

I flew to Kuwait without a visa. Apparently you’re not supposed to do that.

My whiskey made it through customs thanks in part to my Snapple Juice Bottle Method.

I’m very sneaky that way.

The good thing about Kuwait is you don’t have to worry about mowing your lawn. On the other hand, there may still be unexploded weapons in Kuwaiti soil.

Maybe that’s why they don’t bother with lawns.

My schedule here is pretty crazy and it’s ridiculously hot. Just to cheer me up, my last inspection was along the Iraqi border.

Lots of military activity, helicopters and supply convoys headed to and from action in Basra.

I bought a deck of the infamous ‘Most Wanted Iraqis’.

Danish architect Jorn Utzon designed the Sydney Opera House, he also did the Kuwaiti parliament buildings. But they’re not quite as cool.

Breakfast in Kuwait is more expensive than a barrel of oil.

Now I’m in Cairo:

I arrived just in time for the South Sinai Camel Festival.

If you’ve never smelled camel breath, let me save you the trouble. It’s vile.

I visited the pyramids at Giza. The average block weighs 2 tons.

The Sphinx comes off as being larger than life, but I thought it would be bigger.

If you have to see one museum in your whole life, go see the one in Cairo. It’s got dead bodies, mythical stories and lots of gold.

I have not yet impressed anyone with my Walk Like An Egyptian routine. Contrary to the 1980’s hit single by The Bangles, Egyptians seem to walk just like the rest of us.

I ran into a guy I went to school with in Copenhagen 12 years ago. Small world.

Camel-hyde lamp shades are all the rave.

I went on a Nile cruise. Dinner options included veal brains and some snake thing.

Yes, there were more belly dancers.

There is such a thing as The Camel Police and The City of The Dead.

I have not been in trouble with either.

I’m living in an Indiana Jones movie.

Four months of updates..I think a few of you owe me one.

Ciao, Lars

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Week 17

Asian Adventures: Week 17

Holy Grail

There are more satellite dishes per capita in Cairo than anywhere else in the world. I counted 23 dishes on my hotel and still my reception was snowy.

The Suez Canal is protected by surface-to-air missiles.

There are two famous lighthouses in Alexandria. The one I wanted to see apparently sank into the sea 1000 years ago.

There’s a lot to read on Egypt and I didn’t get to that page in my history book.

I went to the harbour and tossed my sunglasses straight into the Mediterranean. It was a pre-emptive strike. They were going to end up there anyway so might as well get it over with.

After that I sat and read Lawrence Durrell’s Alexandria Quartet at Pastroudi’s Café.

The new library (not to be confused with the one that burned down 1700 years ago) is massive and should put Alexandria back on the map for tourists.

Now I’m in Jordan.

Every time I arrive at a new airport I have someone waiting to pick me up. Here are some of the signs I have seen them hold up: Robert Larz, Mr. Bob, Robert Larf, Mr. Lar and my all time favorite: Whiteboy Roberts.

The last one was a guy I knew in Pakistan and he thought I would laugh. And I did.

Jordanians still think smoking is cool.

I took the new Desert Highway south to Petra. Hundreds of miles of just sand. I don’t know how much the desert has changed since the days of the Arab revolt and TE Lawrence. I saw a number of Bedouin tents along the way.

The Bedouins have opted for the Toyota Landcruiser in place of slower, more smelly Camel series.

I’m on the Indiana Jones tour. It is not a guided tour.

The rose-red city of Petra was carved into the steep cliffs by the Nabataeans more than 2000 years ago.

It was spectacular.

Most of the tourists tended to be older than the Rosetta Stone, and they occupied all the benches and all available donkeys. I got stuck behind some of them as we made our way up the 1000 steps to the monastery.

I’ve seen continents drift faster.

It should be noted that I spotted these geriatric patients smoking a bong later that evening.

Petra is so hot and dry it will make your nose bleed. Bring tissues.

I would like to respectfully note that the Queen of Jordan is a total babe.

While Canada was busy taking gold away from the Swedes at the World Championships, I was watching something in Arabic. I don’t really know what it was.

After Jordan and Turkey I will be continuing my inspections in: Kenya, Madagascar, Lesotho, S.Africa, Namibia, Morocco, and Portugal. So if you’re going to be in any of these countries in the next few weeks, let me know.

Thank you to those who sent an update of their own. It’s nice to get news.

Lars

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Week 18

Great Adventures:Week 18

The Mosaic Experience

Dear Clan,

I’ve spent so much time in Jordan, it feels like home.

I have somehow managed to endear myself to the hotel manager. So far she has sent me breakfast, fruit baskets and even cookies.

This is a good hotel.

Jordan is surrounded by chaos; Iraq, Saudi, Ýsrael, and Syria all have issues…yet this little enclave is moslty peaceful.

The Black Ýris is the national flower. Ýt’s very pretty.

King Abdullah is a very down to earth guy, he even drives his own car. Of course, if Ý owned a Hummer, Ý probably would too.

Ý’ve been to the lowest place on earth. The Dead Sea is 400 metres below sea level and is also reknowned for it’s bouyancy.

One does not have to be full of hot air to float effortlessly.

Not surprisingly, the number of reported drownings is remarkable low. The only item that could sink in this water, would be my sunglasses.

The Dead Sea is actually a lake.

I have visited Crusader Castles in Karak, the baptism place of Jesus, at Bethany and Mount Nebo where Moses saw the promised land.

Clearly he did not visit during a sand storm.

The weather is so unpredictable. If you visit, pack shorts and a parka.

The Jordanians never have small change. If you buy a coke, be prepared to also walk away with some chewing gum, a chocolate bar and some kleenex.

Next time I go shopping Ý’m not bringing money. I’ll bring 12 Mars bars, a pack of Halls and some gummy bears.

I’ll take 4 apples please. Money? No, I don’t have any. Here have a Mars Bar.

Over the years, the Romans have exported many fine aspects of their culture. Aqueducts, central heating and concrete just to name a few. But they could have left the mosaics at home.

People who study mosaics, real