Hobby

In A Galaxy Far Far Away

Sa Wadi Khrap,

The flight from Copenhagen-London-Hong Kong-Bangkok was excruciatingly long. New Years Day was not meant for so much activity.

On the last leg of the flight the pilot thought it would be amusing to hit every pocket of turbulence possible. There were a number of hung-over party goers who tested the liquid durability of the complimentary paper bags. It wasn’t pretty at all.

Hong Kong airport will fine you a 1000 USD if you’re caught smoking.

The SARS scare continues to linger in Asia. Airports check people for high fever prior to boarding. They wonder why so many people have high fevers at airports. I think it’s because of the guy in the military uniform who points a pistol shaped thermometer at your forehead and pulls the trigger.

So now I live in Bangkok.

U.S. Homeland Security has developed a Customs-Trade Partnership against Terrorism agreement in hopes of ensuring secure exports to the US. I work as a security auditor. My job is to evaluate the security risk within factories in South East Asia who export to the US. Though I do not have a licence to kill, I do have a terrorist huntin’ permit.

I was supposed to travel to Bangladesh next week, I’ve had to postpone it because it’s cattle-sacrifice week.

It was 32 degrees yesterday. Chilly for this time of year.

The only exercise I’m getting is on my way to work. One has to be nimble and quick to weave through Bangkok traffic!

Dogs run rampant here. As far as I know they are not a source of nutrition.

Pop gan mai (later),

Lars

In case you are inclined to send goodies or money, my home address is:

Lars Roberts

Nagara Mansion

23/1 Soi Nai-Lert, Apartment 3 A

Wireless Road

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Asian Adventures: Week 2

A Bird Flu Over This Cukoo’s Nest

The avian influenza is taking the country by storm. Despite mass chicken-cide of affected poultry, Prime Minister Thaksin has been reluctant to admit that the country is suffering any form of bird flu. I read this information while having a scrumptious meal at KFC.

The Chinese are currently ushering in their new year, out with the sheep and in with the monkey. It’s supposed to be a lucky year.

In Thailand they mostly celebrate Buddha’s birthday which makes it year 2547. Buddha was meditating on a mountain peak 500 years before Jesus built his first spice rack.

Everyone smiles here. It’s a happy place.

There are 7 million people in Bangkok and 14 million cars. Thai people will often live in a shack and own a Jaguar.

The average salary here is a little over 2000 Baht (70 USD) per month and the average cell phone costs 10.000 baht. Somehow everyone owns one except for me.

Thailand has reached the epitome of grand cuisine. McDonalds delivers here!

I’m taller than most people here. This is fun until a Scandinavian comes by and makes me look like a midget.

In general, Thai’s have trouble pronouncing letters R, and S. This makes my name absolutely impossible. So they call me Mr. Laa, which actually means handsome. I don’t mind that so much.

Thailand changed its name from Siam in 1939.

Travel from one destination to another is not measured in distance or time as we know it, it is measured in traffic volume.

While Thailand prides itself on not having been a colony, the damn British must have had some influence as they drive on the wrong side of the road here.

A full bag of fresh pineapple will set you back almost 20 cents. It’s really really good.

Sophie was visiting last week. We spent an evening atop the world’s tallest hotel watching the sun set into the Asian haze from the 84^th floor.

Tall and handsome, for the moment at least,

Lars.

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Asian Adventures: Week 3

White sands, blue water and cold, cold beer

Spent the weekend on the Island of Samet (Koh Samed).

The only time a speedo should be worn is at the Olympics. There is no other reason in the world to be seen wearing one of them in public. Since none of us are going to the Olympics, let’s just make that pact now. Shall we?

I note that Thai girls are also very popular amongst the non-Thai male population.

Dinner was served on a blanket, by a bamboo table and a little lantern. We sat under the stars and listened to the waves crashing just a few feet away.

Two Japanese girls wanted their picture taken with me for some reason. They must have had a lame weekend and needed to get some action photos for the gang back home.

The beach massage has to be the most over-rated of all massages. It only took a few grains of sand to tear into my sun burned back for me to remember why.

Thai girls are busy using whitening cream to burn their brown skin white and we are busy lying on their beaches burning our white skin brown.

Last weekend 672 sky divers from 42 different countries set a world record by jumping out of 6 planes over Bangkok.

A Lonely Planet survey has voted Thailand as the most favorite holiday destination. Only Quebecers chose Florida over Thailand.

The Thai people do have a sense of humour. While my subtle sarcasm is sometimes lost on them, they do enjoy watching grown men dress up as women. If they are tossing custard pies at one another, that’s hilarious.

Pedestrians do not have the right of way.

My advice to tourists is to remain on one side of the street for their entire visit and see the other side next time they come.

Pop gan mai,

Lars

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Asian Adventures: Week 4

Stretching The Mind

Hey Folks,

Any country that still prints bills with a value of less than 50 cents is OK with me.

Thai beer is very good. In particular Chiang beer. It has won many international brewing competitions. Most importantly, they are cheap and come in half litre bottles.

On public transport Thai men will give up their seat to the women. People cue in an orderly fashion to get onto the sky train and despite extremely honk-able circumstances, drivers almost never lean into their horns.

I think they’re even more polite than Canadians, sorry but it’s true. Sorry.

The people love their King. They even have a musical tribute to him, actually King Sirindhorn composed it himself. It’s like an anthem and it’s played prior to films at the theatre.

We’ve got meat on a stick here. Any kind you like, and probably a few you don’t like so much.

Thai girls are rather petite and so the clothing market caters to very slim people. Foreign girls are forced to shop for XXL sizes. Most women I know don’t like that so much.

A new language is always hard to learn even without the 5 different tones. For example; The word Mei can mean wood, silk, ok, new and not. I am looking for new silk, not new wood, ok? I am looking for mei mei, mei mei mei, mei? Oh My.

Dragon fruit is a lot like the kiwi and my colleague likes it a lot. Not so much for the taste but because she thinks it’s pretty.

As a general rule I have found that advice from hotel clerks is better than that of taxi drivers.

An Indian man was tossed from my flight to Bangladesh, not while we were airborne, we let him off in Burma. He was drinking from his flask during takeoff and the stewardess (flight attendant) took it away from him. He yelled profanities after her and she fired back, “Don’t talk to me in that bad Indian English. I don’t understand you.”

Now he’s in Rangoon with nothing to drink.

Week 5

Asian Adventures: Week 5

From Dawn till Dusk, Dhaka

When I look in the mirror in the morning I know I’m the only white guy I’m going to see today.

Tomorrow is another Hartal. These dawn-dusk political strikes disrupt everything. I can’t leave the hotel. Work comes to a halt, driving is prohibited, vehicles will be burned. Opposition leaders use bribery and scare-tactics to ensure mass demonstrations against the government.

The government doesn’t actually listen to any of these demands. The only thing that is accomplished is a date is set for the next Hartal.

As I see it, it’s a scam for more days off work in the name of political activism.

Canada has lowered the points needed for immigration by Bengalis. I did meet 30 Canadian wanna-bees, but they didn’t know how cold it really was..and now Bangladesh isn’t looking so bad.

138 million people, they all have car horns, and they feel the need to test them at 3 second intervals.

I have to tell you about bricks. You see, there are no stones in this country, and so they make bricks, millions of them. ‘Professional’ brick-breakers smash these bricks into little pieces to be used in cement, for walls.

I find that if I speak with an East Indian accent, people understand me better. It’s a fun accent.

I was told to be prepared for the abject poverty. But nothing prepared me for the abject poverty. Minimum

wage is 17 dollars, a month.

But they don’t have to pay taxes.

You can still buy RC Cola and cassette tapes here.

I took a rickshaw ride around the city today. Lots of people smiling and pointing at me. Some people pointing and not smiling.

The Royal Bengali Tiger is a rare and fine breed. Don’t be caught poaching it though, that will set you back 35 dollars.

On the Sabbath (Friday) I visited the impressive National Assembly building. While I noticed that no one else was walking up to the massive building I mounted the steps anyway. It was only when a 10 year old boy ran up to me and pulled my arm that I realized that 1000 people has stopped to stare at me. OK, so we won’t be doing that. Oops, sorry about that. Tee hee.

Cricket: The only sport where goats and cattle can roam the pitch and not really disturb the game.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

In case you have wanted to tell people you love them in Bengali. (Don’t tell me you haven’t): Ami Tomaka Valobashi

Shovo Badaaye,

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Week 6

Asian Adventures: Week 6

Gone to Chittagong

Hey Folks,

Airport Tipping: The guy who got me a baggage cart wanted a tip. The guy who put my bag on the screening belt wanted a tip. The 3 guys who escorted me to the domestic terminal all wanted a tip, the guy who lifted my bag at the check-in counter wanted a tip, and the guy who pointed out my gate number wanted a tip.

They were mostly disappointed.

I did tip one of the 3 lads who brought me to the domestic terminal. But he wanted tips for all 3. I told him to share. He said it wasn’t enough. I told him he could keep the tip or give it back.

Ungrateful little prats.

The only honest thieves were the 10 dirty little orphans who accosted me, all wanting a dollar. For nothing. I can appreciate honesty.

Over the intercom the stewardess informed us that spitting and chewing gum on Biman Air was strictly prohibited. I only fly the classy airlines.

According to some, Bangladesh is the most corrupt country in the world, 3 years running.

Muslim wailing in the wee hours of the morning is eerie and it wakes me up. I find that yelling; “Could you keep it down out there, the Heathens are trying to sleep.” has little or no affect.

Jute factories produce excellent reproductions of Afghani rugs at a fraction of the price. Get your orders in now. I know people.

It was bound to happen, my land cruiser smoked a baby taxi. We hit him so hard he’s now in another time zone. It’s like bumper cars on crack! No one got hurt. Nothing a little duct tape couldn’t fix.

Only a few metres above sea level, this country is ravaged by monsoons and cyclones. Every year, boats overflowing with life-jacket-less non-swimmers sink. And every year it happens again.

Oh the mosquitoes. There’s just no denting that population.

In the Bay of Bengal, Cox’s Bazaar boasts the longest sea beach in the world (125 km). The urge to snorkel there diminishes when you think of a billion people dumping human waste into the Ganges and Brahmaputra rivers.

Pepper shakers may also contain spicy curry. Or as I like to call it: “Oh-my-Christ-this-is-hot.”

Close to the loo,

Mr. Laaaaaaaaaaaa

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Week 7

Asian Adventures: Week 7

Beaches, Bengal Tigers and Betel nuts

At the beach I met the Irish World Cup team. Locals thought I was Irish as well. Rather than explain that I wasn’t Irish and couldn’t tell my Over from my Wicket, I signed autographs and thanked people for watching cricket on ESPN.

1 Lakh equal 100,000. 1 Crore equals 10,000,000. They actually use these terms in English newspapers and expect me to understand.

Bangladesh is a photographers heaven. The sights and sounds are breathtaking. The smells can be breathtaking too, but not in a good way.

Everyone calls me Boss, and there’s a lot of unnecessary saluting going on.

“Sincerely Boss, we actually work our employees 12 hours a day, 6 days a week but we don’t put it in the books. Can I tell you that privately?”

I lost my fake Oakley’s in the Bay of Bengal. That’s 1 pair in the Oslo Fjord, 1 for the Indian Ocean and now this. Damn waves.

I paid 8 cents for parking at the beach. So that made me feel better.

People chew betel nuts, lime paste and leaves. Apart from being a mild narcotic, it stains your teeth badly, and the vile bitter taste induces frequent spitting.

No, I won’t sponsor you.

So my hotel is called Harbour View. It’s 12 km from the beach. That’s what you get for booking over the net.

They put urinal deodorizers in the sinks. This tells me that people aren’t using sinks correctly.

Can you spell Encephalitis?

Visited Cox Bazaar with another pigment challenged fellow. We were more popular than post cards. Actually we were postcards, at least 40 people had pictures taken with us.

They laughed when I asked for money.

Many people ask me how to get a job and Canada. How the hell should I know?

Tired of being asked why my parents have not found a suitable bride for me, I now have a wedding band and 6 children, all boys. Who all aspire to be doctors.

This brings nods of great approval.

I survived Hartal 5 and 6. Hundreds arrested. Tension rises. Time to go.

The Mosquito Assassin,

Lars

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Week 8

Asian Adventures: Week 8

No dozing off

Dear Clan,

If a wild-eyed taxi driver with a long beard and a machete by his side, asks if you like George Bush..

Just say no.

Daal is a yellow lentil paste which is very high in protein. Tempered with assorted spices this serves as a nutritious meal for most Bengalis, 3 times a day.

Knife and fork are optional.

Drinking and gambling are forbidden because such things erode society. Religious fanaticism on the other hand is community building.

Nobody likes a drunk, religious zealot.

The religious holiday, Ashura, was far more peaceful here than Iraq and Pakistan. Praise Allah.

Steroids are readily available. You can buy them over-the-counter at your local pharmacy. They come in a variety of pretty colours and easy-to-chew tablets.

Air Quality Index assigns a numeric value to measure pollutants in the air. 50 points or below is good. Dhaka regularly scores over 200. Experts do not advise jogging or any other outdoor activity.

In perspective, both Ottawa and Copenhagen have levels below 10.

There’s a movement to restrict rickshaws on certain roads in Dhaka. They’re a nuisance and clog up traffic. Actually, Dhaka could do with a few more roads with just rickshaws.

Western retailers want developing countries to have both social and security standards to equal their own. They also want developing country prices for their products.

How reasonable is that?

A slum fire at Banani Lake absolutely decimated a shanty town. I witnessed the whole chaotic event as it unfolded across from my hotel. There was no escape for hundreds of people. The lucky ones retreated into the lake to avoid the raging fire. Rescue efforts were limited to a handful of personal fishing boats filled to the rim with hysterical women and children.

I helped people ashore and comforted kids whose parents were on the other side..

Fighter jets are escorting certain passenger flights on take off and landing. I experienced an aborted landing moments before touch-down in Bangkok..it was a tad disconcerting.

Ah, home sweet home.

Lars

P.S. If any of you want to chat real time for free, get yourself hooked up at www.skype.com you need a microphone and speakers.

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Week 9

Asian Adventures: Week 9

City of Angels

Sawadi Khrap,

I was a temple tourist this weekend. I saw Wat Trimit, 5 tons of solid gold! Wat Po, the oldest temple in Bangkok houses a 300 foot long reclining Buddha, and Wat Phra Keow where they worship their most revered object, the emerald Buddha.

I saw a sign outside a temple that asked women “...not to touch the monks”.

They do not put eggs in the fridge here. They do however bury them in the ground for 10 days and let them congeal until they turn black. Only then are they are good and tasty.

When the vendor asked if I wanted my coke in a bag, I didn’t expect him to actually pour my coke into a plastic bag.

It was thoughtful of him to also give me a straw. This process allows them to keep the bottle for the recycling money.

Donuts are popular here. You have to watch out for the curry ones though, as they really do not go well with morning coffee.

At night, the hard working elephants in the streets are required to use tail lights. Excuse the pun.

They have a hockey team here called the Flying Farangs (Foreigners), they even have their jersey in the hockey hall of fame.

7 Eleven sells seasoned squid in a bag.

I’m on my third maid. This one speaks no English. That should work out well. I am now learning new words like dry clean, privacy and toilet paper.

Ab Ob Nuad: Massage parlours with beautiful ladies who service ONLY gentlemen.

A haircut cost 4 dollars and it comes with a pretty decent neck massage.

Labour is very cheap and so the service is plentiful. One never has to go looking for staff, they find you.

I read in a local paper that someone fell into one of the canals (klongs) in Bangkok and when he surfaced he had mutant superpowers. Efforts are underway to clean the toxic klongs.

Thai police do not have radar guns. Instead, they paint 2 lines on the road and use a stop watch.

Thailand is so advanced compared to Bangladesh.

Wat, Wat, Wat,

Lars

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Week 10

Asian Adventures: Week 10

Tourist Hot Spots

Sawadi,

I have a monster trip coming up. If you are planning to be in; Pakistan, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan or Turkey over the next 6 weeks let me know.

My first rendez-vous is in Karachi. Let’s hook up, I know a good hang out.

I know mom won’t like this but I had to get War insurance.

Pakistan-India have a ‘friendly’ cricket match going on at the moment. I thought it would be over by the time I got there. But apparently these things can go on for 40 days.

Pakistani International Airlines only flies domestically.

In the official English romanisation, Bangkok is certified as the longest place name in the in the Guinness book of records. It's pronounced something like this:

Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit

I know people who have actually memorised this.

My maid, the III, asked me to buy a new iron because the one I have is too technologically advanced. Hmmmmm..

The ground water is being sucked out from under the city too quickly. Bangkok is sinking and in 50 years she may be facing a Thaitanic disaster.

Working the passenger boats along the klongs (canals) here can be dangerous. So the ferry boat workers wear hard helmets.

Motorcycle speed limits in the city have been dropped to 45 km. So when the family of 5 on the bike have an accident they don’t get too badly hurt.

Bangkok has a recycling program. Unlike some cities, I don’t need 4 different bins in my kitchen. I just toss it all into one bag and every Tuesday the garbage people descend on my stinking junk and sort it all by hand. Right there on the street.

Prime Minister Taksin is cracking down on Bangkok’s night life. Bars and clubs are forced to close at 2 am. More importantly, go-go dancers are no longer allowed to dance topless.

That’s what I hear.

Thai people walk so damn slow. You never see them walk up/down an escalator. They are never in a hurry.

I’ve never seen them sweat either. So they might be on to something.

Hundreds of tiny little ants invaded my cereal container. It was early in the morning, and I didn’t notice them until after breakfast.

Yummy.

Lars

p.s. chocolate coated ants are for sissies.

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Week 11

Asian Adventures Week 11

The Bin Laden Safari

Salaam Aleykum,

On the night before my trip to the Middle East I had a high school reunion with Trevor Buchinski and Jon Andresen. These two lads live in Bangkok and know some places.

We spent the evening on Khao San Road, the infamous back packers haven. It’s a great place for people watching and there’s lots of local talent.

When I got home that night I got into a fight with the cab driver about his rip-off fare. A scuffle ensued. The balance of power was in my favour. When he ran away I had hopes of getting up to my apartment without further ado. Instead, he came out of his car with a billy bat.

I did not back down. He turned out to be an excellent bats-man and I headed to the hospital with a few stitches here and there. (Not in his cab though).

Sometimes fighting for principle is worth it. Sometimes the 1.50 $ just isn’t worth it.

A little perspective can go a long way.

It seems I have missed my self-imposed Monday deadline for getting my update out. I have a good reason though:

I’m in Karachi.

I was not at all surprised to find the flight to Pakistan nearly empty.

The city is pretty dusty

I have been very impressed with the colourful buses. They are decorated like Christmas trees with the strangest trinkets and pieces of tin.

Cars have colours here that I haven’t seen since 1974. It’s very retro. I had no idea they were so fashionably advanced.

Ok. I think we need a quick re cap here. I am not on vacation. I have not chosen this particular time to site see in the Middle East. I do security audits (Customs Trade Partnership Against Terrorism)of factories exporting to the US. I work alone. HQ is in Hong Kong.

By the way, Thai stewardesses are very accommodating.

Lars

-El Traveller

"Not Afghans, Turks, or sons of Tartary. But of One garden and One trunk are we."

-Mohammed Iqbal.

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Asian Adventures: Week 12

Not Just a One Donkey Town

A terrible scene in Karachi yesterday as terrorists stormed a police station and sprayed it with bullets, killing 5 police officers. The focus has been on Waziristan, but those rat bastards are everywhere.

I try to avoid target areas and so far I feel quite safe.

Having said that, my hotel room was burglarized. So now some poor bugger is the proud owner of my cell phone. I wish him all the luck in figuring out how to use it.

Not a boring week.

Everyone wants to talk to me about religion, politics and economics. I try to steer them towards squash, cricket and the weather.

The squash phenom of the 80’s and 90’s Jansher Khan lives in Karachi. He runs a garment factory and he’s really, really fat.

I caught two guys laughing heartily at my Lund University t-shirt. In Urdu the word Lund is an obscene term for the male..uh, organ.

So we packed that shirt away.

Facial hair is very popular here. The peer pressure got to me and I started growing a mustache to fit in.

Just kidding.

Gas is 65 cents a liter here, most of which goes to debt repayment and private coffers. Few locals can afford to drive cars.

Donkey travel is a viable alternative.

I played golf at Karachi golf club yesterday, and even though I’m in the middle of a desert I still managed to find the water!

While inspecting factories here, I often find myself suddenly alone. Everyone goes off to pray. 5 times a day.

I realized that in 3 months I have not mentioned cockroaches or rats. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist, because they do. And they eat really well.

The richest man in Pakistan also happens to be the Finance Minister. Hmmm, that’s a good job.

Apparently Muslims don’t drink, but guys I went out with slipped whiskey into their cokes under the table. Very sneaky.

Drinking is for medicinal purposes only.

Under the full moon in Karachi,

Lars

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Week 13

Asian Adventures: Week 13

The Badlands

Hippidy Hop it’s Easter! Here in the heart of the Muslim faith there are not a lot of Christian celebrations taking place. Equally important: No chocolate bunnies!

I saw some live play off hockey on ESPN in Karachi! It was 10 in the morning, about 400 degrees and not a cold lager in site. Not quite the same, but at least it was hockey.

Hydrabad, Islamabad, Muzaffarabad, Wazirabad, Umarabad, Sadiqabad, Minchinabad, Jauharabad, Faisalabad…Islamagood doesn’t have the same ring to it I guess.

The northern part of Pakistan is home to 8 of the highest peaks in the world, save Mount Everest. I will have to climb K2 another day.

If you come across a sign that reads; “Ablution Place” do not be fooled that it looks deceptively similar to a men’s urinal. For it is not. It is actually a place to wash one’s hands or sacred vessels. It is not a place to relieve one’s self.

This should be in the Lonely Planet.

It’s not fair that Pakistanis have a better vocabulary than me.

Multan is best known for its mangos, tombs, dust storms and the heat. The hotel manager told me that Multan gets both extremes; +48 Celsius and even -2ºC.

I had to tell him that -2ºC was not an extreme.

Multan is probably the most sacred of Pakistani cities. Until recently, Muslim visitors would remove their shoes for the duration of their visit.

Let me tell you from personal experience why this tradition has stopped.

At 48º C, pavement gets really, really hot. I visited one of the tombs and had to take off my top siders. It was a short visit. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. OK let’s go.

I got to tour a mango plantation, with my shoes on, and later I played pool at a very local road-side grocery store. The table was 3 feet from the dusty roadside and the local kids rushed to have a game with me.

I spent the afternoon under the setting sun, scoffing down fresh mango and getting trounced by very sweaty mango pickers.

They should have been in school.

A few Western phenomena that do not apply here so much: Nice orderly line ups, Personal space and Deodorant.

You can learn all of this by taking a domestic flight.

This might be mentioned in the Lonely Planet.

You don’t have to be fluent in Urdu to understand that the word Baksheesh means tip or bribe, if you will. They’ll come right out and ask me for it.

Show me the money.

Here are two PA announcements I heard on my flight to Lahore:

“In case of an emergency please extinguish your cigarette before placing the oxygen mask over your mouth.”

And if that wasn’t enough, these were the next words out of her mouth:

“Prior to commencing our journey, let us read a short prayer from the Koran.”

Holy crap, what a treat. Is it too late to get off?

Here’s a name you don’t want to give your kid: “Ashfaq” Say it aloud 3 times and try not to feel sorry for the guy.

Most guys with this name go by “Ash”.

Gotta fly, there’s a big sale at Mustafa carpets.

Sada Khush Rahu (Be Happy)

Lars

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Week 14

Asian Adventures: Week 14

Amsterdam of the Middle East

Marhaba,

I have left the serenity of Karachi and the Arabian Sea.

Dubai is outstanding. Of course, a padded room and a straight jacket would be bliss compared to Pakistan. Here, there are no potholes, the people are friendly, and I don’t have to travel by donkey.

This city has money, imagination and money.

My room overlooks The Creek, which flows into the Gulf. I watch the antique dhows (boats) ferry people around. Most of these should probably be in Noah’s Museum of Arks.

They’re pretty. But you wouldn’t catch me in one.

The skyline is riddled with creative architecture. Every new building seems more extreme than the last.

Burj Al-Arab is the most expensive hotel in the world. Shaped like a sail, it’s located in the Gulf, they actually charge 70 $ for a tour.

I went Dune Bashing. If it sounds cool maybe more people will go, right? So I went. The pitch and roll meters in the 4x4 got a real work out.

I didn’t know that gravol needed to be taken prior to a desert safari.

The evening finished with a huge Bar-B-Q in the middle of nowhere. We could dress up as Arabs or have our bodies painted with henna.

While neither of these options appealed to me, they did have beer and a troupe of belly dancers.

Yeah. Belly dancers. I love the desert!

The coolest game in the world came to Dubai last night. I went to see the The Mighty Camels (local team of Ex-Pats, mostly Canadians) play an exhibition match against a Russian team that consisted of several players from the 1972 Summit Series. It was excellent.

Das Vidanya-

Lars

Go Habs Go

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Week 15

Asian Adventures: Week 15

Dry and Dull in Doha

Qatar didn’t start out well. They confiscated my whiskey at customs. Who does that?

Around the Gulf, Doha has the unenviable reputation of being the most boring place to be. Considering its competition in these parts I’m OK with that.

The Qatar Masters (Squash) is being played and I went down to see the top players in the world at Khalifa Stadium. I met World Champion Jonathon Power (Canadian).

On the court he makes John McEnroe look like a momma’s boy.

He actually stepped off the court twice to challenge the ref’s call. He’s a refs worst nightmare. But he’s entertaining as hell to watch.

Off the court he’s an extremely amiable guy. We went out and had some laughs and talked hockey. He’s a Montreal fan. We got on just swell.

Doha’s claim to fame is the ‘news’ agency Al Jazeera. If you want to see uninterrupted carnage, stay tuned.

They don’t censor anything on that channel. Except porn, there’s no porn on Al Jazeera.

I even stay up late. Nothing.

Now I’m in Bahrain, a cozy little place. Like Denmark. Yet smaller. And no mermaids.

Well maybe, but they’d better be wearing a birka!

Earlier this month they held the first-ever Formula 1 race in the Middle East right here. I saw the racetrack but they wouldn’t let me try it.

Oh come on.

I went for a stroll last night as evening prayers were being broadcast throughout the city. As I approached the Grand Mosque, it was clear that the ‘wailer’ had a cold and before he could shut off the microphone, he sneezed.

I tell you, it was like God himself sneezed in my ear.

The Saudis built a 26 km long bridge between the two countries and the drive over-top the Gulf is beautiful.

I did drive to the border but considering the recent bombings I decided to skip the pic-nic in Ridyah idea.

Maybe I’ll go diving for pearls or something.

Did you know that the largest pre-historic cemetery is here in Bahrain? Cliff Claven told me that.

Over and out,

Lars

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Week 16

Asian Adventures: Week 16

In The Valley of Kings and Camels

I flew to Kuwait without a visa. Apparently you’re not supposed to do that.

My whiskey made it through customs thanks in part to my Snapple Juice Bottle Method.

I’m very sneaky that way.

The good thing about Kuwait is you don’t have to worry about mowing your lawn. On the other hand, there may still be unexploded weapons in Kuwaiti soil.

Maybe that’s why they don’t bother with lawns.

My schedule here is pretty crazy and it’s ridiculously hot. Just to cheer me up, my last inspection was along the Iraqi border.

Lots of military activity, helicopters and supply convoys headed to and from action in Basra.

I bought a deck of the infamous ‘Most Wanted Iraqis’.

Danish architect Jorn Utzon designed the Sydney Opera House, he also did the Kuwaiti parliament buildings. But they’re not quite as cool.

Breakfast in Kuwait is more expensive than a barrel of oil.

Now I’m in Cairo:

I arrived just in time for the South Sinai Camel Festival.

If you’ve never smelled camel breath, let me save you the trouble. It’s vile.

I visited the pyramids at Giza. The average block weighs 2 tons.

The Sphinx comes off as being larger than life, but I thought it would be bigger.

If you have to see one museum in your whole life, go see the one in Cairo. It’s got dead bodies, mythical stories and lots of gold.

I have not yet impressed anyone with my Walk Like An Egyptian routine. Contrary to the 1980’s hit single by The Bangles, Egyptians seem to walk just like the rest of us.

I ran into a guy I went to school with in Copenhagen 12 years ago. Small world.

Camel-hyde lamp shades are all the rave.

I went on a Nile cruise. Dinner options included veal brains and some snake thing.

Yes, there were more belly dancers.

There is such a thing as The Camel Police and The City of The Dead.

I have not been in trouble with either.

I’m living in an Indiana Jones movie.

Four months of updates..I think a few of you owe me one.

Ciao, Lars

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Week 17

Asian Adventures: Week 17

Holy Grail

There are more satellite dishes per capita in Cairo than anywhere else in the world. I counted 23 dishes on my hotel and still my reception was snowy.

The Suez Canal is protected by surface-to-air missiles.

There are two famous lighthouses in Alexandria. The one I wanted to see apparently sank into the sea 1000 years ago.

There’s a lot to read on Egypt and I didn’t get to that page in my history book.

I went to the harbour and tossed my sunglasses straight into the Mediterranean. It was a pre-emptive strike. They were going to end up there anyway so might as well get it over with.

After that I sat and read Lawrence Durrell’s Alexandria Quartet at Pastroudi’s Café.

The new library (not to be confused with the one that burned down 1700 years ago) is massive and should put Alexandria back on the map for tourists.

Now I’m in Jordan.

Every time I arrive at a new airport I have someone waiting to pick me up. Here are some of the signs I have seen them hold up: Robert Larz, Mr. Bob, Robert Larf, Mr. Lar and my all time favorite: Whiteboy Roberts.

The last one was a guy I knew in Pakistan and he thought I would laugh. And I did.

Jordanians still think smoking is cool.

I took the new Desert Highway south to Petra. Hundreds of miles of just sand. I don’t know how much the desert has changed since the days of the Arab revolt and TE Lawrence. I saw a number of Bedouin tents along the way.

The Bedouins have opted for the Toyota Landcruiser in place of slower, more smelly Camel series.

I’m on the Indiana Jones tour. It is not a guided tour.

The rose-red city of Petra was carved into the steep cliffs by the Nabataeans more than 2000 years ago.

It was spectacular.

Most of the tourists tended to be older than the Rosetta Stone, and they occupied all the benches and all available donkeys. I got stuck behind some of them as we made our way up the 1000 steps to the monastery.

I’ve seen continents drift faster.

It should be noted that I spotted these geriatric patients smoking a bong later that evening.

Petra is so hot and dry it will make your nose bleed. Bring tissues.

I would like to respectfully note that the Queen of Jordan is a total babe.

While Canada was busy taking gold away from the Swedes at the World Championships, I was watching something in Arabic. I don’t really know what it was.

After Jordan and Turkey I will be continuing my inspections in: Kenya, Madagascar, Lesotho, S.Africa, Namibia, Morocco, and Portugal. So if you’re going to be in any of these countries in the next few weeks, let me know.

Thank you to those who sent an update of their own. It’s nice to get news.

Lars

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Week 18

Great Adventures:Week 18

The Mosaic Experience

Dear Clan,

I’ve spent so much time in Jordan, it feels like home.

I have somehow managed to endear myself to the hotel manager. So far she has sent me breakfast, fruit baskets and even cookies.

This is a good hotel.

Jordan is surrounded by chaos; Iraq, Saudi, Ýsrael, and Syria all have issues…yet this little enclave is moslty peaceful.

The Black Ýris is the national flower. Ýt’s very pretty.

King Abdullah is a very down to earth guy, he even drives his own car. Of course, if Ý owned a Hummer, Ý probably would too.

Ý’ve been to the lowest place on earth. The Dead Sea is 400 metres below sea level and is also reknowned for it’s bouyancy.

One does not have to be full of hot air to float effortlessly.

Not surprisingly, the number of reported drownings is remarkable low. The only item that could sink in this water, would be my sunglasses.

The Dead Sea is actually a lake.

I have visited Crusader Castles in Karak, the baptism place of Jesus, at Bethany and Mount Nebo where Moses saw the promised land.

Clearly he did not visit during a sand storm.

The weather is so unpredictable. If you visit, pack shorts and a parka.

The Jordanians never have small change. If you buy a coke, be prepared to also walk away with some chewing gum, a chocolate bar and some kleenex.

Next time I go shopping Ý’m not bringing money. I’ll bring 12 Mars bars, a pack of Halls and some gummy bears.

I’ll take 4 apples please. Money? No, I don’t have any. Here have a Mars Bar.

Over the years, the Romans have exported many fine aspects of their culture. Aqueducts, central heating and concrete just to name a few. But they could have left the mosaics at home.

People who study mosaics, really ought to get out more.

Colin Powell and the World Economic Forum have wreaked havoc on Amman. There are heavily armed commandos posted every 100 feet. Most hotels have Armoured Personnel Carriers parked in front of them.

Mo is not short for Mohammed.

I see that Prince Frederik married that Aussie girl. There was live coverage of the Danish fairy tale weddýng here in Amman.

Pity I couldn’t stay home all day to watch that.

Later,

Lars

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Great Adventures: Week 19

Turkish Delight

Hey Folks,

4 car bombs have exploded during my stay here in Turkey so far.

The one that blew up outside the McDonalds where I had enjoyed a McTurco caused a few jitters.

If the 1.5 hours I spent in a customs line up is any indication of Turkish bureaucracy, it’s little wonder they are not at the front of the line when it comes to EU membership.

It should also be noted that said line up included 20 Azerbaijanian hookers.

When I finally got to the customs booth, I slipped the guy a tip for taking his sweet time.

The smallest amount of “money” one can withdraw from an ATM in Istanbul is 10.000.000 Turkish Lira. It sounds like a whole lot, but it’s about 6 dollars.

Oh, I grant you the zero was a fine invention but there’s something not right about having 300 million of anything in one’s pocket.

Turkish coffee makes my bowels quiver with fear.

Istanbul is hilly, it has trolleys and a bridge that looks remarkably similar to the Golden Gate in California.

It’s San Francisco with mosques and spires.

I visited Troy (Truva). Helen doesn’t live there anymore. Now it’s just a city with a big wooden horse.

The Turkish keyboard drives me insane.

The walking street (Istiklal Cadesi) is fantastic, charming and full of shops selling Turkish sweets, water bongs and fresh fruit. It would beat the one in Copenhagen except it lacks one vital aspect:

The Danish girls.

Turkish TV stations only broadcast the weather for half of Cyprus.

There’s a NATO summit here in June and they’re busy tearing up the streets trying to make improvements. They’re in a hurry to impress someone.

They’re part of the military infrastructure, what reason does the EU have to include them in their community of Christians?

I was supposed to end my trip here and head back to the comforts of Bangkok. Instead, I am checking my vaccination booklet and heading to the Dark Continent.

I see that my typhoid and meningitis inoculations have expired. Shhhh. Don’t tell mom.

A trip like this reaffirms many things that I already knew. Like, never ever fly in a Russian Tupolev 154.

I see that it’s time for my steam bath.

Gule Gule (bye bye)

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 20

African Time

Jambo Bwanas,

After a hectic, but enjoyable, visit with my favorite German princess I headed south in time to enjoy the rainy season in Kenya.

I love being in this part of the world, the smiling East Africans, the acacia trees and lots of jambos all around.

Siwezi kusema kiswahili. (my swahili is crap). My vocab isn’t bad but I can’t quite remember how to string them to together. They seem to understand-

Beer. Cold. Please. Bia baridi. Tafadhali.

The Kenyans are very pleased that I can speak some Swahili and they have taken to calling me “Zaliwa Hapa” (Born here)- In reality I was born a few hundred kilos down the road but I’m not going to argue.

I ate dinner at my favorite restaurant in the whole world, The Carnivore. They serve Impala, crocodile, water buffalo and a few other things.

My sister Lea and other vegetarians do not eat here.

The domestic carriers are doing their best on the security front. When you walk out on the tarmac to the plane they ask you to point out which bag is yours.

It’s important to remember to do this, otherwise you’ll be in Mombassa without your toilet kit.

After Kenya I headed south to Johannesburg and on to the East Cape. South Africa will be hosting the 2010 World Cup. The 2010 World Cup! The 2010 World Cup!

I don’t know if the Xhosa people from the Amatola region have produced many football (soccer) players or whether they just needed a reason to party.

OK, only 6 years to go…

As soon as I arrived I noticed a couple of unfortunate acronyms that made me laugh: South African Revenue Service (SARS) and South African Police Services (SAPS).

Ooops.

The mosquitos are so big they use landing lights.

One isn’t too surprised that there is racism in South Africa, but I was surprised to see that the Black empowerment movement is putting a number of White Africans out of work and forcing entrepreneurs to take on Blacks as partners in business ventures if they wish to receive grants or government business.

Affirmative Action. We’ve seen how well that works.

The current ANC government has vowed that as of next year no one will have to sit under a tree to receive schooling.

If I were sitting under a tree, I’d be pleased about that. It’s freezing here. I’m actually wearing a damn poncho while writing this.

I’m staying at a Bed & Breakfast in King William’s Town where Steve Biko is buried.

It’s also known for other things, like the Cape Parrot. There were 800 of them left. But they’ve been waking me up around 4 AM.

So their numbers have been steadily decling.799,798,797,796..

My good climbing buddy Sandro has an excellent web site on which he has kindly included my Dar Updates and Asian Adventures. Check it out: http://www.kilimanjaroworld.com

Tot Ziens,

Whiteboy

Great Adventures: Week 21

Gauteng. Bless you.

Hey Gang,

Normally you’re supposed to fill out a customs declaration when you arrive in the Kingdom of Lesotho. But they ran out.

There is absolutley nothing in Maseru, just shubbery. They have no minerals, no resources and all their factories are run by the Chinese.

Their King is from the Crocodile tribe. But there are no crocs in Lesotho.

I asked the hotel staff why they had a big, framed picture of Morgan Freeman on their wall. It turns out that it wasn’t Morgan at all.

It was a portrait of their Prime Minister.

There’s something quaint about being the only plane taking off at Moshoeshoe International Airport.

Did you know that Joburg is also known as Gauteng, the “place of gold”.

I met up with the Wenkoff Family from Wakefield, we enjoyed a brief visit before they roared off to explore South Africa.

It was really nice to see some friendly faces.

My suitcase was broken into at the “place of gold” airport. Nothing of any great value was taken but they broke the zipper mechanism. Dad gave me that suitcase 14 years ago. It survived 24 countries.

Good value.

The luggage carts in Joburg are the best in the world. They’re massive, they don’t wobble and you don’t need to find the rarest coin in local currency to use them.

Madagascar; Where people are happy even though their houses are made of mud.

After the french introductions en route to Madagascar, the Africaan guys sitting behind me were quite surprised. “Yeah, now what was that then?”.

“Was that some kind of tribal language?” They had me in stiches, and I love their accent.

When the French arrived in the capital, Analamanga, they decided to change the name. They could have named it Petit Paris, Lyon or even Vichy. Instead, they chose

Antananarivo. Because that’s much better than Analamanga.

They have an unemployment problem in Madagascar. And so 7 different people had a chance to look at my passport. And they all tried out the rubber stamp.

They bicycle at night, and they don’t use lights. It might actually be a sport.

The currency (the franc, of course) has gone through a 90% devaluation in the past 5 months.

I asked my driver what he thought the reason for the incredible poverty was. “Because everything is so incredibly expensive.” He said.

Fair enough. I asked a stupid question.

The wood carvings are impressive, they use palisander, but it’s all the same stuff.

Masks and bowls. I was tempted to buy dad another bowl..but I couldn’t do it.

I had to inspect a factory that produces for Victoria Secret. I spent a long time in that factory.

I was very thorough.

Later,

Great Adventures: Week 22
Déjà vu

Amigos,

Getting from one African country to another is more difficult than necessary.
Johannesburg is the hub and I've been there 6 times.

The folks at the information counter actually know me by name.

It's been my experience that as one flies closer to a capital city people and houses tend
to come into view.

Not in Windhoek, Namibia. I just doubled the population of that city.

Tiny little yellow birds build huge nests in/on and around telephone poles. I imagine
it's a good place to hang out and wait for a cooked meal?

Adele Basson is the new Miss Namibia. I met her at the country club. She has a nice
smile.

I won 300 dollars at black jack at the hotel casino. Namibian dollars.

If you're going to visit Windhoek, and I know it's on your to do list, go to Joe's
Beerhouse. Stuffed monkeys and puffer snakes line the walls and the servings of Jaeger
Meister are very generous.

The Hoba meteorite is the largest in the world (60 tons) it resides in Grootfontein. It
consists of 82.4% iron.

The information I retain is intense.

I have been collecting a lot of paper work over these past few weeks and it caught up
with me. 'The guy' wanted 80 USD in excess weight fees. I told 'the guy' that my company
did not allow me to pay more than 10 USD cash for anything without the signature of a
senior administrator.

The trick is to show a degree of resistance. But not so much that one ends up in jail.
Balance is key.

In order to get to Morocco from Namibia I had to fly to South Africa and then to Spain
and only then could I get to Tangiers.

Morocco was the first country to recognise the United States after independence.

I tried to go out for dinner in Tangiers, but couldn't find a restaurant. At night, the
streets are packed with people meandering with no purpose other than to meander.

They don't go for dinner, they don't shop, they just fill the streets. And drink mint
tea.

The factory in Morocco had a security system from Europe, but they couldn't find anyone
who knew how to install it. So now it sits safely in a cupboard.

I was supposed to head for Portugal next but the European Football Championship has
caused too much excitement for them and everyday is a holiday.

And so, I will take a week off and go to Ottawa. I'll be at Dad's place. Mowing the lawn.

Keep your eye on the ball,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 23

No Dentures Required, Yet.

My trip back the Enchanted Forest in Chelsea was enjoyable.

I did mow the lawn. Fed a few blackflies in the process.

Played some ball hockey with the boys of summer, and i will carry a few bruises to show for it. Thanks Potter.

Good times.

I visited the House of Pain (Dentist). My visit should allow him to retire, somewhere warm.

The other painful experience was the federal election campaign. The campign has become a joke.

I voted with my conscience, for the only real choice.

I helped the gang work on the squash court walls at the cascades club. It´s always a few good people who do the volunteer work for the benefit of the masses. Isn´t it?

Dad and I spent father´s day doing good things around the house, he made breakfast and I gave him gifts that fathers can´t do without; socks and ties.

Can´t go wrong with socks and ties.

I got a new suitcase, a monster that should survive another 14 years. It´s already been through 4 countries without a scratch.

I survived Charles de Gaulle airport, Section F did not collapse on me, which surprised me a little. My suitcase is very very heavy.

Airports are so poorly designed. I have been through so many, and I have yet to see one that has impressed me. The problem is that passengers don´t design these places.

I am now in Porugal, relaxing with a beer. The big match between England and the host nation later tonight is going to be a riotous affair.

I will be watching on a huge screen in some plaza close to my hotel.. ready to make a hasty retreat should the English manage to win.

Ciao

Great Adventures: Week 24

Practically Around The World in 90 Days

I wrapped up my final inspection in Portugal and spent the last evening watching the match against England.

I put on my best Danish accent and cheered loudly for the Portuguese. While I am happy that they won the match I am less excited about the damn chant that I have embedded in my head.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Portugaaaaaaaaal, Portugaaaaaaaaal Portugalale Portugalale.

Yeah that’s pretty annoying.

My incredibly long trip home had the benefit of a weekend layover with Philipp and Jack Daniels. We spent some time on the beach and enjoyed the view and such.

My flight back to Orient was less than enjoyable. My ‘Biggie’ size Whopper menu came back to haunt me.

I was forced to test the ‘don’t put any articles other than toilet paper in the toilets, please’ directive.

I think it’s really quite astonishing how much those things can actually hold.

Anyway..27 hours later and after 4 continents, 22 countries and 3 months of travel I am finally back in Bangkok.

My apartment key code and telephone number completely eluded me in my time of need. Fortunately the maid remembered my face and let me in.

Here are a few things I learned along the way:

1) Airports are designed by people who have never had to catch a connecting flight

2) Morgan Freeman is not the Prime Minister of Lesotho

3) Sunglasses do not float no matter how badly you want them to

4) Hotels keep match boxes in their rooms so that people like me can remember what city they are in

5) Never trust the Pakistani Police. But I think we already knew that one.

6) If you’re going to take a ferry boat ride in Bangladesh, bring your own life vest.

7) If you live in Kuwait, get someone who you do not like to mow your lawn.

8) If you’re offered street food, using the refrain; “no thanks, I’ve already had diarrhea’ may not be the most diplomatic way out.

9) There are 300 kinds of shark in South Africa waters, none of them are vegetarian.

10) On such a trip 2 things are certain; jet lag and the runs.

Stay tuned for the next 6 months of updates…

Mr Laa

Great Adventures: Week 25

Back in the ‘Hood

Sawadee Khrap,

It’s nice to get back to the 9-5 grind, (or 0830-1730 if any of my colleagues are reading this) it’s a pleasant change from the trials of day-to-day crazy travel.

These days my biggest concern is why I can’t get someone to fix my air conditioner.

There’s that and then the Bird Flu. They have killed so many birds in this country I don’t know where they got the ingredients for the Chicken Satay I had last night.

It seems I lost some weight on this trip. 80 servings of airplane food will do that to just about anyone.

I might market this idea.

Speaking of markets, serial shoppers will love the night bazaar at Suan Lum and the Chatachak Market. These places are crammed with small boutiques with a million things that you think will look good on your mantle....But they won’t.

I’m not much for shopping, actually I really don’t enjoy shopping, but the prices are so incredibly low here. If you’re a good haggler, you can expect to pay 20-60% of original quoted price. Pretend like you don’t really want it, like you’re doing them a favour by taking it off the shelf.

You get a better price when witnesses aren’t around

The guard at my compound is absolutely useless. While he was napping, I crept into the guard booth and borrowed his ID card, took it right off his jacket and pinned it to the ceiling.

I’ve also taken to hiding some of his things.

In Thailand, a smile can express many things: amusement, embarrassment, maybe a sidestep to a question, a thank you. Never assume..

The Thai attitude is based on 3 main concepts: 1. jai yen, or cool heart, which means avoid conflicts. 2. Mai pen rai, or it can’t be helped/don’t worry, which indicates that one shouldn’t take things to heart too often. 3. Sanuk, or fun. Life should be a good time!

Indeed,

Lars

“...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people.” -Mark Twain

Great Adventures: Week 26

Monsoon Wading

Hello All,

I thought that being back in Bangkok might make it difficult to find things to write about.

Not true. There never seems to be a shortage of anecdotes or absurd happenings.

This part of the world was made for travel writing.

For instance, did you know that it’s illegal to take a picture of King Bhumibol, apparently you could go to jail for that.

If I didn’t tell you this, how would you ever know?

Recently I was introduced to snake fruit. A very fitting name as it has scales on the outside and the inside isn’t much better. It tastes like poison.

So if one of your colleagues says, “try it, it has an interesting taste.”. Just say no.

Thai people like short cuts and the way they speak English reflects this. They cut out any superfluous words they can.

Buy pretzel. Free pretzel.

More food wisdom; Ka-Pi is very popular, it’s some sort of shrimp paste which is mixed with sugar. It’s used for dipping your vegetables in.

Don’t let anyone tell you it tastes interesting.

My colleagues and I had lunch at the Blood Type Restaurant this week. As the name would suggest, they serve food that adheres to your blood group. The concept is that some foods serve your body better than others.

They actually give you a 400 page book to read before you get to order. I learned that after skimming 400 pages I don’t really care.

The blood bible suggested that I’m a hunter type from the nomadic tribes of yore and I should eat red meat.

Come to think of it, I do favour places like the Carnivore in Kenya..

The Jumbo Queen contest was held at an elephant zoo outside Bangkok. The lovely Miss. Bangon Waiyawong, weighs 355 pounds and was selected for best exhibiting the characteristics of an elephant, by virtue of her grace, elegance and size.

She will lead the Jumbo Banquet and help promote elephant conservation in Thailand.

More animal news: A large male elephant named Sub Lor (Absolutley Handsome), has been acquitted of murder after forensic tests of his tusks proved that he did not bash his trainer to the ground. It is feared that the culprit may be a wild, rogue elephant.

Efforts are underway to track him down.

I don’t make this stuff up, I just report it.

It’s time to revisit Bangladesh and I’ll be in Dhaka for the next 3 weeks.

The annual UN survey on human development ranks Bangladesh at 138 of 177 countries.

I wonder whether these surveys are done when half the country is submerged?

The death toll from rain driven floods rampaging through Bangladesh rose to 60 on Monday. Three million people are currently marooned on thousands of islands created by the worst deluge in 16 years.

People are building temporary housing when they should be building boats.

Gently down the stream,

Great Adventures: Week 27

Boots, Boats and the Fever Season

The customs forms I had to fill out for Bangladesh asked me to list the countries I had been to in the last 3 months. They gave me 3 spaces for that list.

42 of the 64 districts here are under water. Boat making is a flourishing trade. When I asked the hotel staff what I should do on my day off, they told me to go swim in the flood waters.

Not a lot to do around here. You know things are bad when you’re watching cycling.

The power went out 14 times while I was watching the Tour de France. Every time the TV came back on, the same guys were climbing the same mountain.

Power outages should last longer.

Bengali’s have a interesting perception of which bodily noises and functions are acceptable in social situations. Slurping, burping, spitting and snorting are commonplace.

Nose picking and urinating in public are also popular .

Taxis are only allowed to carry 4 passengers, but a rickshaw can ferry a small family of 7, a king size mattress and 3 big bags of rice.

Every day the police arrest over 1000 people. I think they do this at random just to see what they might catch. They publish their findings, which does not always make them look that efficient. I feel.

In today’s paper: 1480 people arrested yesterday. 6 weapons were found along with 4 bullets. 2 charges were laid.

4 bullets.

My rickshaw was besieged by young punks wanting money for the funeral costs of a man that had died without any family. I told them to get lost and try their scam on someone more gullible.

A few meters down the road, a man’s body was lying in a make-shift coffin by the side of the road.

So, I’ll probably be going to hell.

I’m trying to put that off until the end of my contract though. After that I’m free.

It’s the fever season, Dengue fever is rife. The mosquitoes are here can do some nasty damage. Fortunately I have a rather large family of geckos living in my hotel room and they keep the pests at bay.

I like geckos.

Still treading water,

Great Adventures: Week 28

Reeking Havoc: Diarrhea Breaks Out!!

Friends,

If you watch CNN or BBC or any other news source, you will know that Bangladesh is experiencing its worst floods since last year.

From the sanctity of your living rooms you can't quite appreciate the devastation, or the smell. It's a bit like King Kong's bathroom after an all-you-can-eat chili night at Godzilla's place.

The death toll has reached 400. Deaths are mostly due to drowning, diarrhea, fever and snakebites.

The poison from a saw-scaled viper may kill you in about a day, while it may take a week to die of diarrhea.

There's no place to bury the dead, everything is underwater. It's a bit of a problem.

Boats have replaced rickshaws as the odorous, filthy waters have submerged 2/3 of Dhaka. Many beleaguered folk are trying to off load their belongings before the floodwaters take them.

For the crafty entrepreneur there are some good deals to be had. For instance, I was offered a young child for a very reasonable price.

It was really really ugly, so I said no.

One of the staff at my hotel had to go home to help with the flood damage to his home. I gave him some Taka to help him out. When he returned he gave me a run down of what he had been able to use the money for. In that moment, I wish I had given him more.

So little can go a long way.

Someone was teasing the Bengalis when they taught them English. Whoever decided to reverse the pronunciation of the P's and the F's had a warped sense of humour. Here's a lesson in Bengali Speak:

Pot of Coffee= Fot Op Coppee

Photo Copy = Foto Coffy

Parking = Farking

Post Office = Fost Oppice

Party = Farty

You can see how some days are just one good giggle after another.

Authorities are trying to get drivers to adhere to rules. Like the traffic lights for instance. So far, like in Montreal, drivers treat a red light as just a suggestion.

Direction is also optional.

In my spare time I built an ark this week. Here are a few things that I will bring with me when I leave this rat hole:

1 Bengali brick (nostalgia)

1 Rickshaw

2 Mangrove trees (male and female)

Some tea from Sylhet

2 Bengali tigers (small cute ones)

2 Gibbons (singing apes)

1 Photo album of people carrying stuff on their heads.

and

2 Bengalis (both female) hey why not, it's my ark.

I hope your boat floats,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 29

A Brief Reprieve

Friends,

Let me start off by saying that I know what I did was stupid. But have you ever had one of those days when your coordination skills take the day off?

It happened to me while I was lying on my hotel bed watching TV and eating freedom fries (formerly known as french fries). I managed to drop the remote control into the ketchup bowl, it then flipped out of the dish and fell onto the clean white sheets.

Ketchup everywhere.

But the idiocy does not stop there. As I reached for Kleenex, I tipped over a very large glass of tomato juice which I had put beside my pillow.

The cleaning staff must have thought I had sacrificed a goat on my bed.

Because some mistakes are worth repeating. I found myself snacking on chips and salsa the following evening. In hindsight I should not have loaded that chip with so much salsa, and the salsa bowl was a little too far from my mouth..

I see that now.

Not surprisingly, I was down-graded to the maroon-red sheets they usually reserve for families with infants.

I once saw a program about bacteria and the rate at which it grows on food when left out of the fridge.

No one here has seen that show.

The ladies will like this; In Bangladesh, age is not always verifiable. Birth certificates are not always available. Factory workers fill out Age Estimation Forms.

For some, getting old could take a very long time.

They say a delay at Dhaka airport is normal. You can pretend that a 6 hour delay is normal, but when the pilot and 15 other people with screw drivers are staring into engine number 2..its not normal.

5 minutes after arriving at Dhaka airport you've seen it all. There's no book store, no bar, no internet and no video arcade..

Throwing paper airplanes at the immigration officers may relieve some of the boredom though.

Bengalis receive a serious shock when they arrive in Bangkok. They are asked to follow many rules. Try to get Bengalis to stand in a straight line. They will not do it.

Being very careful of food and beverages in Dhaka I actually found myself looking forward to airplane food.

I will try to fatten up in Bangkok for a few days and then head back to rat hole city for the rest of August.

Pop gan mai,

Great Adventures: Week 30

Cheers!

So Im back in my favourite city and I walk down to the pub on the corner for a pint of the good stuff, the gang recognizes me and they yell "Norm!".

Ok, so there are no bars over here and it was actually a Pizza Hut and I think one of the waiters might have remembered me from my last visit.

Its raining again. I love this town.

You may not know this but liquid paper takes a very long time to dry in these humid conditions.

On my last visit to Dhaka my hotel told me that the city had run dry of syrup and I was forced to eat marmite on my pancakes. That stuff is disgusting.

Anyway, I brought some syrup over from Bangkok.

Gotta have my maple syrup. Eh?

Here's a travel tip for you: No matter what, do not let your nurse give you inoculations in both shoulders the day before you have to carry luggage.

I've found that people are incredibly nosy, or curious, depending on how you see things. I might be tying my shoelaces or buying a soft drink and I'll have an audience.

People should get out more.

Or maybe I'll have to start wearing pants before I go out!

I'm playing mosquito assassin (first one with 10 confirmed kills) with another guy here in the hotel business centre. It's his first time to Dhaka, so I'm more familiar with the crafty buggers. I'm up 4-0.

Loser buys the next round of malaria pills.

The floodwater is retreating back into the sludge from whence it came. The fresh water basins have been affected, of course. I buy canned food and have the staff make me safe meals.

There's more than just protein in a can of beans.

Shovo Badaaye,

Great Adventures: Week 31

Sweat Shop

Shuvo Shandhya (Good evening),

Now that the floodwaters are receding a bit we can get back to the day to day business of political strikes.

Because that's just what people want to do now that they can get back to work and make some money. Rather than asking the people not to work they Opposition should ask the people for more productivity.

Much to the delight of the local press, the international airports have been receiving bomb threats. Finally something to write about other than flood news!

The downside of course is that I have to stand in longer quasi-lines. I hate standing in cues.

The upside is that Bangladesh is now on the American security radar and will likely benefit from some form of anti-terrorist aid.

More money for the Cayman Island coffers.

Sweet.

There's a shortage of police vehicles in Dhaka and so the officers appropriate 300 private vehicles per day. If you don't want them to take your car, and you really don't, a 30 dollar toll may be paid in cash.

The owner of the internet company in town owns an F1 Ferrari. I'm guessing he pays a daily toll.

I have noticed several Scandinavian bikes in the neighbourhood. It's not because there is a Mr. Olsen's Cycle shop around the corner though.

I think I spotted a bike I once had stolen in Sweden. And all the Opel Kadets that get stolen in Europe, they end up here too. But that suits me just fine.

Not only are they using the Star-Trek-like terms Lakh and Crore as numerical terminology, they have serious issues with written numbers. Number 4 as we know it, is actually written as number 8. Number 7 is written as a 9.

It complicates my day unnecessarily.

My hotel in Chittagong uses moth balls as air fresheners. I went on a little hunt and found 16 of them hidden throughout my room.

I don't see a lot of coffee shops here, however lime on a stick is a popular way to start the day.

There is an excess of cheap labour here, if they automated the doors here, half the country would be out of work.

How many Bengali's does it take to make photo copies? It takes three. One person to insert the blank pages, another to place and replace the pages to be copied, and a third person to extract and sort the final document.

It's a bit like getting a Happy Meal from McDonald's.

I'll bet you've been asking yourself, how are the Bengali Olympians doing? They aren't getting a lot of coverage here either. This is the most populous country to never win an Olympic medal.

Go for gold!

Lars

http://www.kilimanjaroworld.com

p.s. I'm in Bangladesh until the end of the month. and then back to Bangkok. and then?

Great Adventures: Week 32

Bombs over Bangladesh

Good Morning,

The dull days in Dhaka are over. The press has a new toy. The assassination attempt on former PM Hassina definitely shifted the focus from diarrhea deaths.

The so-called professional hit on Hassina was a major screw up. Only in Bangladesh could 13 grenades and 7 bullets miss an old lady.

I appreciated the quick response by many of you who asked about my safety. I was watching the Olympic speed walking competition at the time of the attack.

How can it be that squash is not an Olympic sport?

I'm now in Chittagong safely suffering from boredom brought on by nation-wide strikes which have shut everything down from dawn till dusk.

There are no vehicles on the road. The streets are safe for people, dogs and goats, with the added bonus of not a single car horn to be heard.

The reason that strikes only last until 6pm is that people suffer from serious horn honking withdrawal.

That's what I think.

Last night as I sat at an internet café I saw something out of the corner of my eye that disturbed me. Something with many legs was scurrying towards me. I looked down to see the biggest damn spider I have ever laid eyes on.

My first instinct was to drop a book on it, or a grenade. What irked me the most was that the people around me didn't seem to notice. I pointed this arachnid queen out to the guy beside me and he just nodded.

Yup, that's a spider.

Bastard.

If you like burgers and fast food don't read Fast Food Nation. I finished it three days ago and haven't eaten anything except salad since then.

When a vegetarian gives you a book to read, just say no.

The locals have warned me to stay indoors and the embassy web site does not recommend attending any political demonstrations. So I won't do that.

I'm out of books, and forced to watch either women's pole vaulting or Indian Bollywood movies where all they do is sing and prance around in colourful saris.

Keep your head down,

Great Adventures: Week 33
My Hunting Skills Need Honing

Friends,

I found a book store and all of Hillary Clinton’s memoirs have ended up there. The only other English reading material I could find was a copy of Cosmo Magazine.

The good news is that I now know the secrets of how to avoid breaking my nails!

Got that from Cosmo, I got nothing from the other book.

Things to avoid: Pan Pasand is a packet of seeds and little coloured things.
In case the food you just ate was so disgusting, like marmite on pancakes, this “mouth refreshener” will replace the taste with something reminiscent of Irish Spring soap.

Marmite is gold compared this stuff.

The Cyber café that I frequent is trying to drum up business. For every hour of browsing, I get one wet tissue-free.

Last night I had to get out of bed to chase a flying cockroach. Considering how hard they are to kill, flying seems an unnecessary advantage.

I thought I’d pinned him to the bottom of my shoe but he magically vanished.
He was very large and shifty. I looked down to find that he was staring up at me from my boxer shorts.

There are places you don’t want to find a 5 pound cockroach, one of them is near the opening of your boxer shorts.

I think the screams scared him away.

As you know the riots have kept me indoors, even watching the excitement from the rooftop. At night I keep my door locked and chained, and even push my sofa and coffee table in front of the door.

Sure the furniture shuffling messes the place up a bit. And you don’t want to be in a hurry to get into my bathroom.

But at least I’m not worried that kidnappers will interrupt me while watching women’s handball.

In between demonstrations I take the opportunity to get to know the riot police, they all seem very pleasant.

The Bengali government is determined to find the perpetrators of the devastating grenade attack on the Opposition Leader.

A one man commission has been set up to investigate the incident.

Must dash the cockroaches are chasing me, Lars

Great Adventures: Week 34

Change the Channel

Dear Bandhura (friends),

So it’s Labour Day weekend! Time for an extended holiday, football games and BBQs. Ahhh good times.

Yeah whatever, they don’t celebrate that here.

If you want to do business in Bangladesh you have to pay bribes. I spoke with someone today who pays 10 different people a sizable sum of money to ensure that things work. Compliance officers, customs agents, union bosses..

The only good thing about working in this country has to be the cheap labour.

Sometimes the labour isn’t cheap..loaves of bread can used to smuggle garments out of the factories. Factory owners complain that they are not allowed to body search their employees.

Something called human rights.

There’s an excellent TV channel that plays bootleg copies of all the current movies..Spider Man 2, Harry Potter 3, Fahrenheit 9/11..but as soon as I get home from work they start playing old Lionel Ritchie and Celine Dion music videos.

God Damn it.

Bengali’s don’t seem to be in a real hurry to do anything, but there are two things they do quickly: Marriage and kids.

Like clockwork.

There’s no real structured system for giving traffic fines. So..when a rickshaw driver oversteps his bounds and annoys a traffic cop, a screwdriver becomes an effective way of imposing a labour intensive fine.

To be a Bengali electrician you only need to things; you need to be absolutely fearless and you need to own a bamboo ladder. Ladders are hoisted up onto power lines and reparations occur without any safety gear.

Aluminum ladders are not as popular amongst the smarter electricians.

The Lonely Planet urges people to come to Bangladesh before the tourists do. But don’t hurry,

You’ve got time.

I head back to the City of Angels tomorrow and expect to hang out in Bangkok for about 10 days before going to Pakistan.

Shovo Badaaye,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 35

Skim and Scam, That’s the Way.

Sawadee Khrap,

Been back home for a few days now. Surprisingly, I don’t really miss Dhaka all that much.

I arrived in Bangkok in time to see my boss briefly. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since January 17^th.

We had an excellent chat, I signed a new contract with some improvements. Including a sweet little trip to Fiji.

I’ll do that, but I’ll be wanting a raise.

I didn’t know that Elephant polo was the 6th largest tourist draw in Bangkok. But it is. They do like their elephants.

The rules are strictly followed. For instance, elephants are not allowed to lie down in the goal-mouth or to pick up the ball with their trunks.

Incredibly, elephant polo is a serious sport in Southeast Asia.

My favourite rule is No 13: “Sugar-cane or rice balls (molasses and rock salt) shall be given to the elephants at the end of each match, and a cold beer to the elephant mahouts (jockeys) and not vice versa.”

There shall be no restrictions as to the height, weight or sex of the elephants.

It’s important not to discriminate. Otherwise the World Elephant Polo Association will take action.

In Asia, the copy right laws do not quite satisfy the poor starving artists, the same artists who promised us that CD prices would fall drastically as demand increased. (since 1984, when dad bought my first Led Zepplin CD, if memory serves)..so they lied about that.

The CD/DVD bootleg business is thriving here, copies can be purchased at your friendly neighbourhood street vendor for a dollar.

My Christmas shopping is all wrapped up.

Aroma therapy: It’s what you get when you take a cab ride in Bangkok. I don’t really know what eucalyptus and camphor do..

I do know that they do not increase the cab driver’s ability read road maps.

I assume that if you sell me a litre of gas, that’s what I will get. Not so in Asia. In fact, petrol stations make money by skimming and scamming the customers.

I sometimes tire of always being on the lookout for the fraudster.

It’s every country, every city, every day.

Of course, when the scam benefits me, like copied cds, it’s ok.

Eyes peeled for a good deal,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 36

Lucky Yarn

Dost (friends),

The bad news is that the Fiji trip got cancelled, the good news is that I get to go to flood ravaged Haiti and the Dominican. So that’s what good news sounds like..

Before I have that pleasure I will be in Pakistan and Ottawa (in time for turkey and pumpkin pie).

Prior to my departure for Pakistan preparations were being made to open our new office in Bangkok.

The President of our company happens to believe in lucky number 9, holy yarn and feng shui.

One of my Thai colleagues and I picked up some special articles that would be used in the inauguration of the new place. We visited a temple which she frequents and I got to lie down on the floor to pay respects to the monk elder while he smiled at me from a chair.

Much to my dismay, I missed the opening ceremony where 9 lucky monks blessed the holy yarn, thereby ensuring us a prosperous future.

Ah, bless those lucky monks.

The flight to Karachi was interesting, a night flight turned to day as we flew along side a massive electrical storm over central India.

A general rule of thumb: If you can smell ozone you’re too close to the lightning.

Whenever Pakistan and India get together for something, it’s going to be exciting. This evening I was invited to a ‘friendly’ test match between the two national field hockey teams.

I was introduced to Sohail Abbas, field hockey’s most prolific scorer. He’s the Wayne Gretzsky of field hockey. He wears lucky number 9.

Pakistan won, which meant that the crowd was happy. I was pleased about that because there were a lot of armed guards and militia who may well have had bullets in their guns.

I’m going to try to finish my work by Friday and then visit the grand vistas around K2, Hunza and Gilgit for my birthday weekend.

Should be fantastic.

Lars

Great Adventures Week 37

Skardu or Not to Do

Salaam Aleykum,

Bomb blast 100 miles from here at a mosque in Sialkot. 28 killed. I was not one of them.

So you want to know what ozone smells like?

Well, ozone's characteristic odour can be smelled near photocopiers and electric motors, which generate ozone. Its odour has also been described as the smell of clean bed sheets or forest air.

Do your sheets smell like ozone?

Birthday in Pakistan. I worked, and then I missed a very important flight because it was overbooked. I couldn't smell a beer for about a 1000 miles and the hotel wanted me to pay for my own birthday cake.

Bugger that.

Pakistan is one of those countries that is trying to leap frog into First World technology with Third World infrastructure.

Yesterday I saw a man and his donkey pulling a cart-load of computers to market.

Along the information gravel road.

Leprosy is still a major problem for some of Karachi's poorest people. They have several hospitals working to treat these people, but I didn't go visit.

From Karachi, I flew north to the Sufi city of Multan, the Mecca of Pakistan. The 4000 year old city is home to the mystical side of Islam, every year the holy men come to chill out and trance out.

If you like, you can have your fortune told by a bird.

They tell me that Lahore is the cultural centre of Pakistan, this is where all the prostitutes come from. But of course. Lahore. Where else would they come from?

The facilities I visit here have men carrying AK 47s and Shotguns. It's also the only place I have come across where security staff have Elementary Atomic Warfare Training.

Elementary?

I am staying at the Crown Plaza in Islamabad, 92-51-22-77-890, Room 411 until Saturday morning. If the weather cooperates I'll be flying into the mountains near K2.

Hopefully the weather will cooperate and I won't fly into the mountains-

In case you?re wondering, the K in K2 stands for Karakorum. The number 2 refers to the peak, there are several of these in the Karakorum Mountain range K1, K2,K3, K4..

The little Fokker I am flying with has to perform some fancy acrobatics to get through the passes. I expect to curse a lot and I might even bring extra shorts for the ride.

If I can't get into Gilgit or Skardu, I'll hang out in Islamabad for the weekend (you know it's on your list of things to do) and visit the Faisal Mosque which I can see from my hotel window, it's suppose to be the biggest in the world.

Or, considering recent events I might just observe from my hotel window and buy the post card.

I will be at the Cascades Club on Saturday, October10^th . Playing squash from noon until 3pm, and after that I hope to relax with a few pints and enjoy the view of the changing colours of Fall. Come out to the Enchanted Forest and let?s have a little visit before I press on to Haiti.

I'll be staying at Dad's from the 8^th-13^th. (1-819-459-1823)

Stay safe,

Lars

"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
-Babs Hoffman

Great Adventures Week 38

Hail Mother India, Long Live Pakistan!

Dost!

It is with great disappointment that I must report that travel into Kashmir will have to wait for better weather.

There will be no Kodak moments at K2 this year. Stormy weather in the mountain passes forced flight ops to cancel the flight 30 minutes prior to take off.

Cowards.

Muslims are commonly said to being praying in the direction of Mekka, but more accurately they are praying towards the Ka'ba. Mosques are oriented so that the Quibla Wall points in the direction of the Ka'ba.

Typically, there are arrows screwed into my bed-side table at the hotels in which I stay, which point in the direction of the Quibla.

An infidel might consider using his or her Swiss Army knife to change the direction of that arrow. But that would be insensitive and evil.

In these energy challenged days, places like Pakistan and Bangladesh are focusing on alternative resources. Compressed Natural Gas has become a serious competitor to petrol.

40 % of vehicles are now using a dual fuel system. The good news is that air pollution has been dramatically reduced and people are saving half of their usual fuel costs.

The bad news is that these CNG tanks are stored in the trunk of most vehicles, leaving no room for my luggage!

10 years from now streets will be littered with the carnage of cars that have spontaneously combusted due to the poor maintenance of their CNG tanks.

At Wagah, the only border crossing between India and Pakistan, border guards play out a jingoistic ritual of confrontation to the delight of thousands of onlookers from both sides.

The carefully choreographed display of hostility takes place every evening at a flag-lowering ceremony.

Both sides are extremely expressive and passionate about their anthems. Its a lot like a soccer game..where lots and lots of soldiers are present.

A couple of good rules to remember when driving in Pakistan: Size is important - the largest vehicle has absolute right-of-way and the smaller ones shall move out of it's way, even if there is no road to move onto.

Dont kid yourself, size does matter.

Pedestrians and cyclists are to be taken no notice of.

Whenever a traffic obstruction occurs, all traffic shall squeeze itself into every available space towards the front of the queue.

Multan experienced a massive car bomb that killed 40 people this morning. I leave for Ottawa tomorrow, with all limbs intact. Happy to see the tail end of Pakistan.

For now.

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 39

No Rice, No Pork

Hey there,

I was very popular at Canada Customs when I flew in last week. I saw 3 different people. They were all so friendly and very interested in all the pretty stamps in my passport.

Families immigrating from Nigeria got in quicker than I did.

The visit was short and hectic. The turkey was plump and juicy. The leaves in the valley were at their peak, spectacular.

Visits with friends and family, a little too short.

I went 5 days without pork or rice. No pork-on-a-stick, no pork chewing gum, no sticky rice, no rice balls, no fried rice (flied lice).

I ate a fair bit of pumkin pie though.

In Thailand, Pumkin is pronounced Gang Phuk.

I don't know what pie is, but it doesn't really matter.

Arrived in Haiti after an interesting flight from Dominican Republic. Before the plane took off the stewardess actually asked me to move to the back of the plane to help balance it.

Must have put on more weight over Thanksgiving than I thought. Might even consider the Atkins diet, or lipo suction.

I thought I had done my research on Haitian holidays and was good to go. However, today is Jean Bertrand Aristide Day or something. In 1994 the US had him reinstated and apparently they still celebrate that.

United Nations tanks and armoured personnel carriers are patrolling the streets in anticipation of some activity later today.

I hope there's fireworks. I like fireworks.

Today I did an audit in French with two Korean factory owners who spoke better Spanish

The documents they gave me to read were in Creole.

I'm going to the bar for a cigar and mug of rum.

Mwen Salye ou,

(regards)

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 40

Haiti: Hot and Humid, and Seasonably Dangerous

Amis,

In 1871 these Africans began the only successful national slave revolt in history. In 1804, they succeeded in creating the worlds first black republic.

After their success, they began to practice voodoo as a way to show their appreciation to the gods for their freedom.

You can call on the spirits of Loa to help you with luck, love, or money. If youre going to overthrow a regime or want to give your mother in-law a rash, the Ultimate Revenge Spell may be useful.

The All-Purpose Voodoo doll will cost about 15.95 $.

Even though I told my family that I was enjoying serious pool time..Port au Prince has got to be the most volatile place I have been to yet.

People listen to the morning news to find out whether its safe to go to work.

I was standing in the back of a pick up truck taking pictures of the White House when someone starting shooting at me or very near me.

I did not need to be told to get down. We sped off, no bullet wounds, no worse for wear.

Thats an andrenaline rush, believe me, and I didnt need coffee for the rest of the day.

Haiti is a place where billboards are still hand-painted.

Nivea after-sun lotion (aprhs soleil) costs 3 times as much as a bottle of rum.

So I bought 3 bottles of rum, stopped sight seeing and spent time by the pool.

The Chinese have landed. UN wisdom has brought a couple hundred Chinese peace-keepers here, much to the chagrin of the Taiwanese who are very active on the humanitarian front in Haiti.

If fighting breaks out it will probably be the Chinese and the Chiang Kai-Shek aid workers.

The Dominican Republic is a stark contrast from its island neighbour and my extensive week-long comparative culture study has revealed key differences. Dominicans laugh, smile, speak Spanish and are generally quite friendly.

They also love baseball. Sammy Sosa and Pedro Martinez are boys from this area.

The Haitians could have invaded during any of the Yankee-Red Sox games and no one would have cared.

My Spanish is still pretty good. I had to tell house cleaning to do my room and when I found the maid I told her: mio sheetso no es cleano.

I know, my linguistic ability surprises even me.

Adios amigos,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 41

The Little People - Java

Hello Gang,

I just spent 29 hours on a series of airplanes. It took me 4 days to get from the Dominican Republic to Indonesia.

China Airlines (Taiwanese), not to be confused with China Air (Chinese) ..ok whatever, has a habit of not informing passengers of their own itinerary.

I almost had a heart attack when I woke up to find that I was in Alaska.

Once I found out that it was just a pit stop I was able to calmly roam around the terminal taking pictures of stuffed albino beavers.

The next stop was Taipei, which was expected, I had a short but excellent visit with Leisa McGillvray. We saw the Chiang Kai-Shek memorial. Huge. Also saw the tallest building in the world.

Building 101 sits precariously on a fault line and along the main path for airplanes landing in Taipei. If that wasn't enough, it looks a lot like Chinese take-out boxes stacked on top of each other.

I mean Taiwanese take-out. Of course.

Eventually arrived in Jakarta. Without my luggage.

Two new humanoid species have been discovered here in Indonesia. Scientists have recovered a family of midgets left by the traveling circus on the Flores Islands some

18 000 years ago.

And perhaps more importantly, I have discovered 12 million people in Jakarta that can survive without oxygen.

Of course it was the Hobbit humans that made the news.

Indonesia is the most populous Muslim country in the world.

Thanks to Ramadan most people are fasting until sun set so getting a window seat at my favourite restaurant isn't a problem. And the service is outstanding.

There are two things you need to be able to tell a taxi driver: Pelan-Pelan (Please slow down) and Bangun Selakan (Please wake up).

Well, its Halloween, I'm going to dress up as George Bush and go scare the hell out of Abu Bakar Ba'asyir.

A'Boo to you,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 42

A Whole Lot of Nong Krong

Dear Not Forgotten Ones,

I've been a little delinquent in getting my update out, as some of you have kindly reminded me.

I have not been run over by a BA-jai (3 wheeled cockroach of the automotive world).

Or seriously poisoned by the toxins in Jakarata. Just been really busy travelling.

Creative business people will always find a way to survive the Asongan are walking drive thrus, or kiosks that will weave through traffic jams and offer their captive consumers cigarettes, mints, tissues and tofu.

If you're really lucky, you might even get a deal on a power drill.

The Bahasa language is surprisingly easy to learn. One of my favorite words is Nong Krong.

Nong Krong is the art of doing nothing. To be successful at Nong Krong you can't be doing anything else. No eating, no reading, just plain nothing. Try it at home, put on your best flip-flops, sit on the front steps and just stare into mid air.

Indonesians are surprisingly good at this.

Cell phones are referred to as hand-phones. If you don't have one, you don't really exist.

The China town is rather special, and worth a visit. You can get a piping hot serving of monkey meat or find yourself some breast enlarging potion derived from tarantula extract.

Then again, some things just aren't worth trying. Not even once.

Across from the UN building there's a McDonald's which requires you to walk through a metal detector. This is really important because in the parking lot outside you can buy a blow gun for 10 dollars.

Safety is key.

Brightly coloured concoctions called Jamu are popular for curing every illness known to man. (and woman). While the remedies contain mostly herbal ingredients, copper, ground animal skin, tails or testicles may be added for increased effect.

These doses can be purchased from little old street ladies. If you've lost your mojo, they'll help you find it.

That's the latest,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 43

The Big Cohiba-Jerry Henderson

Kia Ora, Tena koutou tamariki ma? (Gidday!),

Some years ago my family hosted a young, innocent kiwi girl (Rosie) who we corrupted and then sent back to New Zealand.

This past week I had the pleasure of attending her wedding in sunny Taraunga. (I can't pronounce it, but that's how it's written).

I thought the wedding ceremony would include a sacrificial lamb or dancing a haka. But there were no odd rituals to speak of.

The Kiwis are a neat crowd, it's easy to understand why they are often laughing. They make up words all the time, they speak with a pinched-nose accent and they come from places like Fatty-Poo Beach, and Te Puke.

For a population that is out-numbered 12-1 by sheep, they eat way too much sea food. Maybe they have an obsession with wool.

They are very serious about their barbeques. Don't be surprised if it is done as a hole in the ground - that's called a hangi, and a perfectly acceptable way of cooking food.

Speaking of which, they fry up whale sperm (in a nice batter) and call it whitebait. They pass this off as a delicacy and feed it to tourists.

It's enough to give you the colly wobbles. (feeling of nausea)

The kiwi trees are disappearing as quickly as avocado trees can be planted. It's the new cash crop, definitely a bigger market than whitebait.

New Zealand is full of birds that don't fly.

It is no wonder that they chose to film Lord of the Rings in a place with animal names like: Tuatara, Kakapo, Katipo, and Wallaby and trees named Rimu, Punga and Kauri.

Now there's even a town called Hobbitton.

I also visited Rotorua, a land of boiling lakes and thermal geysers which shoot up to the sky. Sending the intoxicating odour of sulphur all around.

The pronunciation of place names in New Zealand can make navigation quite a challenge. In the Maori language, 'wh' is pronounced 'f ' and all vowels are long, so Whangarei is pronounced 'Farn-gar-ray'. At least, that's the theory. Even people in Whangarei pronounce it differently depending on the phases of the moon: I heard 'Wangaray', 'Wan-garry', 'Fan-garry', 'Fongorray'... you name it, nobody seems to know where the hell they live.

On the east coast of the North Island, is a mountain. It's not a very big mountain at only 305m. Small mountain, Big name: It just rolls off your tongue:

Mt. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokai-whenuakitanatahu:

The place is packed with things to see, places to go, and lots of good folk. This Pakeha had a brilliant time.

Cheerio,

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 44

Hey, Miiiister!

Selamat siang folks,

On my way back to Jakarta I stopped in to visit my buddy Dominic in Singapore. We lounged by the pool, fought the crowds on Orchard road and watched Singaporean Idol.

Good times.

Singapore is an organized paradise, obsessed with cleanliness and civic order. Gum chewing is grounds for a public caning.

As it should be.

They speak English with a Mexican accent. I was not expecting the Mexican accent.

The end of Eid made finding tickets to Jakarta almost impossible, so I took a little ferry to Batam (a tiny and very sketchy Indonesian island off the coast of Singapore) and flew out on an early morning domestic flight.

At 0400 I was the only one awake at that airport. Guards were asleep next to their x-ray machines and porters were snoozing on the conveyor belts. Before anyone awoke I had time to befriend a couple of stray cats, and give individual names to a few curious winged creatures of unknown identity (until I named them of course).

"Batam Airport, your home away from home."

Another earthquake hit Indonesia yesterday morning. That's the second one in a span of 2 weeks. People will have to hurry if they want to re-build their houses before the next natural disaster- The Rainy Season.

Construction workers do well here.

Yogyakarta is Java's tourist central. Everyone wants to sell me something. First they try to warm me up by asking if I'm Dutch..

When that doesn't work they ask, "Hey Miiiiister, you want to buy watch?", "No."

"Hey Miiiiiiister, you want a girl?" "uh, umm nope."

"Hey Miiiiiiiiister, you want I take you to batik store?".. "Batik, oh yeah. Now, you're talking."

Sadly, the art of textile painting is fading. For a few dollars you can take a short course..and keep the batik spirit alive.

Please, take the course.

I have just learned that my hotel is right beside the most active volcano in the world, on the most volcanic island in the world.

You'd think that they would post that kind of info on road signs or drop leaflets from the sky, rather than publish it in the tourist brochures of the hotel.

Gunung Merapi (Fire Mountain), is a foul-tempered volcano that looms large over Yogyakarta.

I may go on an early morning climb to watch the lava flows, and toss a sacrifice to appease the great beast.

Or maybe I'll just go to Bali and snorkel. Oh, the choices.

I went to see the animated film, "A Sharks Tale". It was actually censored. Apparently Angelina Jolie was just too sexy of a fish.

Indonesians have either a cigarette hanging out of their mouth, or a Vicks vapo-tube stuck up their nose. If they could do both at the same time, they would.

It may explain why menthol cigarettes are popular here.

Incredibly, a few developing nations are light-years ahead of the West when it comes to alternative energy usage. I was excited (and perplexed) to see that all petrol stations in Jakarta were somehow distributing Solar energy.

It turns out that "Solar" actually means "Diesel" in Bahasa..

Well of course it does..

Miiiiiiiiister Lars

Catch all the Adventures at http://www.kilimanjaroworld.com

Lars Roberts
Nagara Mansion
23/1 Soi Nai-Lert, Apartment 3 A
Wireless Road, Lumpinee, Patumwan
Bangkok 10330.Thailand

Cell Phone: (66) 1-80-70-971

Great Adventures: Week 45

The Good, The Bad, and The Smelly

Dear Friends,

Another great week has sailed by and I think I spent half of it in traffic. The traffic is so BAD in Jakarta. I just dont have the words to explain it.

The tollways are the worst, you actually have to pay to sit in a massive 6 lane parking lot. The government should either raise tollway fees or petrol prices. Something. Anything.

There are many ways to pass the time in the back seat of a comfy air conditioned car, sleep, read, make polite chit chat with the Korean factory people I just failed or go into Nong Krong mode.

I also enjoy checking out the dashboards and rearview mirrors of Indonesian vehicles. They have the best selection of dashboard must haves.

You won't find any furry dice, instead they'll have a collection of stuffed animals, mostly Charlie Brown characters, several competing air fresheners, and a Hello Kitty doll will be suction cupped to the windscreen. I have even seen a glow-in-the-dark Jesus Christ action figure.

After all, it is Christmas..

The Komodo dragon is the biggest dragon alive, and so they named an Indonesian island after it. They're massive creatures and they can run faster than most humans

Not quite as fast as Kostadinos Kenteris that Greek sprinter running from the doping commission. But still really really fast. They have 7 kinds of lethal bacteria in their saliva, so keep your hands to yourself.

They're not overly cute so you won't be tempted to pet them.

Durian is the SMELLIEST and most controversial fruit in Asia. Some people love it, claim that it's gourmet fruit, others can't stand to be in the same room with it.

It is said to act as an aphrodisiac and it's much cheaper than Viagra. However, most countries will jail you for transporting it in your bag. So don't do that.

When they figure out how to bottle durian, I suspect it will do well.

I'm in Bangkok for a few days now before I head out on a 6 week tour of the Middle East. I'll be in Cairo for Christmas and maybe at the Red Sea for New Year. So if you're going to be in Dubai/Bahrain/Qatar/Kuwait/Egypt/Jordan or Turkey (still not in the EU) over the next few weeks let me know.

Mom is here in Thailand for a couple of days. So far she's the only one who's been able to get a visit to coincide with my crazy schedule.

We have to go shopping now. More GOOD times.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Lars

For all you ex Philemonites.. Sadly the DUKE has closed down but Stephan Ellington will have a Replacement venue anytime now..a notice will go out this week.!

Great Adventures: Week 46

Bin Laden Safari II

Dear Friends,

Everyone likes a good sequel, so I’m back in the Middle East looking for more adventure.

First stop was Dubai, a tax haven for all those that can afford to buy property. It’s the new gold rush, and the city is growing fast.

Crime levels are low.

Cashew prices are real low. Nuts.

We all knew that Doha was the most boring of the Gulf States, and one only has to read the newspaper for confirmation. There is no local news.

I’ve been in Bahrain for most of the week, and I’ve eaten my fair share of steaming hot shwarmas. The House of Shwarma is right beside my hotel, I can’t resist.

Since they ran out of oil a few years ago they have had to rely on tourism. How do you make a rigid Islamic state attractive to tourists? Well you have to liberalize of course.

First you pretend to be democratic and enlightened, you let women vote and then balance the King’s power with a parliament.

Despite the fact that the King appoints most of the Ministers and Judges and will have you jailed for criticizing him, the Causeway from Saudi Arabia is packed on the weekend (which means Friday) with people beating it over the bridge to escape their own fanatical religious strictures.

Once a week they can drink and whore around. It’s an excellent outlet for frustration on many levels.

Bahrain may not be the perfect democracy, but it’s an excellent place to practice hypocrisy.

The population of actual citizens in the Gulf States is very low. So they have to import workers. The citizens are simply too rich and too cool to do any real work themselves.

People from India manage the factories, Bengalis, Sri Lankans and Nepalese make up the labour force. Russian, and Chinese ladies work the bars and the Filipinos provide the entertainment.

The Filipinos are supposedly renowned for their excellent vocal abilities, most of the bands that play in the hotels and clubs are Filipino. Somebody must think they’re good.

But if I have to listen to sweet renditions of Alex Rose and Barry Manilow one more time, I’m jumping off something very high, without a bungee a cord.

Today is laundry day, I don’t do my own laundry of course, the hotel staff takes care of it. They send it back to me pressed-like-new in pretty little cellophane wrappings.

It’s easy to get used to that.

The downside is, that they tag all my clothing with these tiny strips of tape with my room number on them. These strips typically become known to me in the middle of an audit, and I find that I have to scratch and fiddle with myself in awkward places.

You’d think they could put those strips on the outside of my undies.

The Adventures will continue, but the emails will stop. Incredibly, almost a year of these weekly updates have been sent out and it’s time to retire. Number 52 will be my last one. Hopefully I can think of a few more things to write about over the next few weeks.

Be good, Santa’s coming..to most countries.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Philemonites- The annual gathering of The Clan will be held at The Black Sheep on Monday the 27th of December. If you need any more info, contact Stephan Ellington:

Great Adventures: Week 47

Santa Forgot South East Asia

Friends,

When I started writing this update, 1000 people had died from the effects of the massive earthquake off Sumatra Island. Incredibly, that number has risen to 80.000..so far.

I have accounted for most of my friends in the region, but am saddened to hear that many places that my colleagues and I have visited in the past year have been completely devastated.

Christmas in Egypt wasn't such a bad idea, after all.

I wasn't terribly far from Denmark and could feasibly have made it back for a short visit. There’s nothing I would have liked more than to drink some gloegg and eat some aebleskiver, but the idea of travelling on my precious days off seemed ridiculous.

I'm not going to go on a religious rant because Im not qualified to do that. But I note with cynical concern that many non Christian countries have usurped many of the fine Christmas traditions and even hold holidays during this time.

I find it a little curious. I travel through Muslim countries and find that Store-Santa’s are ringing bells and humming White Christmas. Families are buying cedar trees imported from Lebanon to decorate along with piles of presents.

And maybe, just maybe, the kids are even dreaming of sugar plums?

What is a sugar plum anyway?

Has Christianity really spread through the Middle East? Is Allah passé? Should Santa’s in Dubai be allowed to wear shorts?

I spent a few days in Luxor, overlooking the Valley of the Kings and Queens. On Xmas morning I got up early, not to open presents, but to take a ride in a hot-air balloon.

Along with 4 girls I met at a gala dinner the night before, I sailed high above the Nile, saw the sun rise over Hatshepsut Temple and floated over Karnak temple.

When we walked around town, I was much admired with my harem of wives. I might even get my own tomb.

Speaking of Harem (with a capital “H”) Ramses II had 35 wives and 175 children. Someone with an ironic sense of humour named a brand of condoms after him.

I was herded through a multitude of tombs and temples and marveled at how each new ruler destroyed the efforts of the last.

Free pieces of alabaster are never free.

You will never be hassled at the shops in Luxor, at least that’s what they promise.

“Please come look, no hassle, looking is free. I give you special price. Are you English? You like this blow- up Mummie doll?”

“Come my friend, looking is free. Hey, where are you going?”

I think these things are funny, but so many tourists go ballistic at the constant barrage of attention and the desperate attempts of shop keepers to separate a tourist with his money.

Mostly it is the French who seem incensed by something.

I was going to take some Mummification lessons. But I needed a partner and there weren’t any takers.

I've been trying to figure out why there is such a multitude of French people in Egypt and now I know. Only the French can figure out how to repair all the aging Peugots that litter the streets of Cairo.

I'm off to learn how to spell my name in hieroglyphics.

Happy New Year,

Lars (Lion, Bird, Mouth, Rope)

Great Adventures: Week 48

Happy New Year-From Cairo!

Friends,

My sister Louise works for a travel agency in Copenhagen (Atlantis Rejser) and she suggested that I spend my New Years Eve by the Red Sea. She also suggested that I should go diving in Sharks Bay a clear sign that I am much loved.

After having considered that suggestion and rejected it, I turned to my buddy Ulric Shannon and his girlfriend Robin, for party ideas.

We could have partied at the Pyramids but chose instead to attend a party at our favourite restaurant, La Bodega.

We smoked Cohibas, drank good champagne and enjoyed the view and the local talent..

As dawn approached we found the most crowded and noisy street we could and sat down for some sheesha.

Ulric is enjoying his new posting, we had fun getting caught up. Told a few lies and spread some decent rumours.

It was a great way to bring in 2005.

Ulric misses the Ottawa Ball Hockey lads, but hopes to start a league in Cairo that will let him score goals.

With my headache only barely subsiding, it was time to get back to work.

Off to the port city of Alexandria by Express train, which really isn’t. It’s actually pulled by a bunch of lazy camels.

But what can you expect from a 6 dollar first class ticket?

Incredibly, Egypt produces over 100 million tonnes of sugar a year and they still have to import it.

And you have if you have ever tasted Egyptian tea, you’d understand why.

The Egyptians have taken the Scarab Beetle (Which is actually a Dung Beetle in disguise), and made it a symbol of luck.

Lucky that it escaped the dung. That’s what I think.

This has been a fantastic year, I hope the same is true for you and that the coming one is equally enjoyable and challenging.

Enshala.

Lars

P.S. A travelling note: My suitcase is an "American Traveller" all 3 pieces of AT advertising that existed on that suitcase have been destroyed. Coincidence?

Couldn’t the Jamaicans start making travel apparel, everyone loves Jamaica.

Great Adventures: Week 49

Parka Time

Marhaba,

Bit of a chilly spell here in the Middle East, had to buy a jacket.

Folks here are not used to using their car heaters. Even though it's cold enough to snow they continue to drive with their windows down and their parkas zipped right up.

Daft.

If it snows in Jordan, the place shuts right down. An automatic day off. Canada could invade on a snow day, assuming their soldiers were equipped with boots and jackets.

I was en route to a factory in northern Jordan when we passed an exit sign for Iraq, Saudi and Syria. And wouldn't you know it, we took that exit.

I cherish moments like these.

The months spent in Arabic speaking countries has allowed me to pick up a few words and phrases, but I can't read it all. In fact, I can spend a good 10 minutes studying a document before someone tells me that it's upside down.

The squiggles get me every time.

The other day I asked factory management if customs officials were present during the

loading of their containers. They were shocked and replied; "Of course they are, otherwise we can't pay them off."

It's days like these that I feel it's time to buy a haemorrhoid cushion and retire.

Many of the Chinese people who manage factories overseas suffer from home-sickness. This can lead to serious offences..like bribing customs officials to let them receive Chinese food in their containers..

The Hwy pit stops that litter North American motorways can also be found in Jordan. One is not likely to find McDonalds, Tim Hortons or gas stations selling road maps though.

Instead, a little old lady in a tin shack will serve you some hot tea and some pita-bread fresh off the propane stove or the open fire. If you need to go to the loo,

A tree will be provided for you.

In a bid to help ex-pats, whose families have been affected by the Tsunami, Jordan Telecom is offering free phone calls to affected countries.

Great Adventures: Week 50

The Promised Land

Shalom,

I'm in Israel! The land of synagogues and circumcisions.

From the coast at Tel Aviv up to Karmiel along the lovely border with Lebanon and down to Jerusalem. I'm a little surprised how nice it is. The news about Israel never seems good.

With the Palestinian Presidential election looming I wasn't sure that I really wanted to come here.

Actually, I never thought I'd ever come here. I'm very pleased that I have though. It's like walking through a history book..like the Bible, for instance.

So now that I've been here I don't have to read the book, right?

Before I was allowed to board the plane to Israel, they asked me a lot of questions. It seems that none of them are multiple choice. Like: "Do you know anyone is Israel?" I was ready for this one and replied,

"I used to know someone, but he is no longer there, for he has risen."

Apparently, this was not the answer they were looking for.

The security people are so cranky.

As it turned out, I did know someone in Israel. I looked up Cecilia Lind, a friend from my school days in Copenhagen. Incredibly, she remembered me and her boyfriend didn't mind too much that we stayed out drinking Tuborg until 0300. Ah, Good times.

I didn't go to Rammalah or hang out in Gaza, and I didn't visit Arafat's tomb. These highlights I save for another time.

Boys with machine guns check people for explosives at bus stops, I didn't take buses.

One can not enter any location without being vetted in some manner. Ironically, half the people inside the cyber cafe I frequented carried a machine gun slung over their shoulder and yet, the attendant still 'buzzed' people in.

So, like what aren't you allowed to bring in?

After having read the Da Vinci Code it was especially fun to visit the Israel Museum and see the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre.

Some of the walking tours of Jerusalem ask you to bring shoes for walking in water..but I paid a few more Shekels and took the tour where you get to walk ON water.

The Old City is divided into 4 quarters (Christian, Jewish, Armenian and Muslim). It's pretty much the Holiest of the Holy places, for everybody.

A great place for a little devil like me.

I'm not really a manual reader, but then who is? So when I passed the sign with the 20 things you shouldn't do within these walls I gave it skip.

Learn as you go, I say.

All things considered, with all the rules about who's allowed to go where and when, I surprised myself at how few times someone yelled "Sir! Sir! You can't go there!"

"What? Oh. Silly me. I was just leaving."

For 3 hours I walked around that place thinking, "Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it." Then someone in the throng of people stepped on my foot and I blurted it out;

"Jesus Christ!"

According to some, there is still time for me to repent my sins.

They say that from Jerusalem, calls to God are local, so I'll get on with that now.

Shalom,

Lars

"Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence."

-Hebrew Proverb

Great Adventures: Week 51

Kebab! Kebab! Kebab!

Selam Arkadas,

You can’t complain about the food in Turkey. I ate at the most famous meatball place in Istanbul, Sultanahmet Koftecisi , There’s something about braised beef that makes my mouth water.

I arrived during the Feast of Sacrifice, so maybe that was why everything seemed so..fresh.

One of the conditions for joining the EU is that the Turks confine themselves to sacrificing sheep and cattle in designated areas. No more street-corner slaughtering.

It’s important to be civilized, like the other Europeans.

I called my old friend, Aycha Aroma, from my Uni days in Bruxelles. She was an excellent guide. We ate lunch along the Bosphorous, drank raki and inhaled plenty of second hand smoke.

Sometimes I think the only reason I went to school was to meet people that I could visit on my travels.

The hotel location was superb for touring the Blue Mosque, Aya Sofya and the Cistern Basilica. It’s not a peaceful place though. If it’s not the incessant deep groans emanating from a multitude of minarets, it’s the 10 year old boy screaming at the top of his lungs:

Kebab! Kebab! Kebab!

Allah and meatballs, Istanbul really is a slice of heaven.

Mostafa Kemal, aka Ataturk, became the hero of the nation when he abolished the wearing of the ‘Fez’. He did other good things, but in my opinion that was his biggest contribution to modern Turkey.

His legacy is still celebrated and many Turks sport big bushy mustaches in his honour.

My driver hit a massive German Sheppard while driving 120 KM. I think the dog was on a suicide mission but he almost pulverized our car. What a bloody mess.

We were lucky, the air bags did not go off and I only pinched my neck.

They've cut 5 zeros off their currency! So now when you look at your dinner bill you don’t mistake it for the US military’s budget.

I applaud their good judgment.

Goru Soruz (So Long),

Lars

Great Adventures: Week 52

89 Airplanes, 51 Hotels, 31 Countries; 1 Year

Hey Folks,

I am writing this final episode from my apartment in Bangkok. Actually, I'm sitting by the pool, sipping a Singha.

People often ask me about the air miles I must be racking up. Many. I have 8 different frequent flyer cards. Probably traveled on a few a few airlines you’ve never heard of.

Here's a list of the countries I have been to this year:

Bangladesh, Bahrain, Burma, Canada, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Egypt, Formosa (Taiwan), Germany, Haiti, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Israel, Jordan, Kenya, Kuwait, Lesotho, Madagascar, Morocco, Namibia, New Zealand, Pakistan, Portugal, Qatar, Singapore, South Africa, Spain, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, U.K., and USA.

In order to get to know my surroundings I go walking, even though I’m not much of a walker. Walking takes too long. But then, if you don’t know where you’re going, who knows how long it will take.

Right?

This is the kind of logic that gets me to saunter around new places without any clear goal in mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around lost, lost would suggest that I actually knew where I was going and happened to take a wrong turn.

In many of the places I have wandered, street identification is a rarity. If I’m lucky enough to find a street sign, I’m not likely to be able to read it. If I’m fortunate enough to be able to read it, I can pretty much be sure that I won’t find it on my map.

In most of these places, men are forced to ask for directions. Or use GPS.

I have more currencies in my wallet than a Bangkok hooker. I even have a couple in there that I don’t know where came from.

I’m hoping they aren’t worth much.

I used to carry around thousands of US dollars in cash. My company uses American Express corporate cards, but you might be surprised how many places around the world DON’T use it. I’ve got a bank account in Bangkok and now I just use a regular withdrawal card.

The company advances me the funds for the trip and I take them out as I need them. Occasionally I find myself at some airport ATM thinking “OK..100.000.000, I wonder if that’s enough to pay for cab fare?”

“I’d better take out 200 million, yeah that would be better.”

Local knowledge is key.

Everyday I deal with a multitude of variables that make my life entertaining and sometimes a little trying. Taxi drivers, hotels, climates, language, culture, women, tipping, and of course, toilet flushing mechanisms.

My colleagues in Hong Kong still have trouble keeping track of me, and with the time zones, occasionally I get very early wake up calls from the office..

“No, it’s OK it’s already 4 am…I was thinking of getting up soon anyway..” Bloody hell.

I would like to thank you for accompanying me on my travels. Thank you for your comments, your news, your feedback.

Your insights have been appreciated.

It’s been a trip,

Lars

Mr. Roper

Mr. Rogers

Robert Larc

Mr. Larz

Khun Laaa

Mr. Lar

Lartz

Robert Lahr

Mr. Bob (“May I call you Bob?”)

Mr. Larson

Mr. Lawrence

Sometimes the best adventures are the ones you don’t plan.

-White Boy Roberts

Skype is proving to be an excellent and cheap form of communication. If you want to talk computer to computer go to http://www.skype.com load the program, it’s free and easy.

Can’t go wrong with free and easy.

Over and out.

Catch all the Adventures at: http://www.kilimanjaroworld.com

Lars Roberts
Nagara Mansion
23/1 Soi Nai-Lert, Apartment 3 A
Wireless Road, Lumpinee, Patumwan
Bangkok 10330.Thailand

Cell Phone: (66) 1-80-70-971