The Lars Weekly Updates
A Tanzanian Odyssey
I came to Africa, specifically Tanzania, to satisfy a selfish
urge to see my place of birth. Quite honestly there were few idealistic visions
of saving the savages from themselves or visions of qualified redemption from
my, our, inherited colonial past.
As it turned out, I am pleased not to have come with the lofty ambitions of
fluffy, virtuously self righteous, left winged, naïve, hopelessly hopeless
development worker wannabee idealists.
I would have been sorely disappointed.
Development: I have a problem with this term, though there
seems to be a consensus that development is a process by which one set of
peoples help another set of peoples increase their standard of living in some
respect. Or alternately, one set of people manage to develop on their own.
Regardless of means, the trick is to stay with the group of
advanced nations, because we know what we’re doing. We are in complete control
of our surroundings and we want the savages to be able to use email and see the
World through the lenses of CNN.
I have my own take on it: To me, development is a process of
so called progress in the pursuit of a better standard of living seen through
the eyes of the Developer. For this to occur the right circumstances must exist
and the developees must avail themselves of the potential opportunities that lay
within their grasp. Personal interest and national interest are key factors in
whether things ‘progress’ or whether they digress. One can not impose or
superimpose a way of life/living on another nation of peoples who do not wish
it. It is virtually impossible without subjugating or colonizing, and apparently
those days are over.
Though if one considers the amount of money individual
nations and International Organisations have dumped on LDCs, one begins to
wonder how much room these nations actually have to manouvre. To what degree is
their sovereignty infringed upon by being so greatly in debt to us. Maybe we’ve
just invented a modern form of colonising, with a different face.
It is rather easy to be idealistic and positive about
development in east Africa when one owns 2 land cruisers, doesn’t pay taxes,
lives in a 4 bedroom house by the sea side with a cook and a gardener to do the
dirty work. The dog and 4 security guards protect us and watch over us, ensuring
that the locals don’t get too close to the electric fence surrounding the
house. Dinner parties, adventurous weekend safaris a healthy tan all year around
and when things don’t go to plan we can blame the Africans for slow progress.
It’s a bargain. Is it possible that there is a contradiction here? Is it
possible that we have stopped seeing the contradiction?
Since we granted independence to many African States in the
60’s we have continued to mettle in their internal affairs. Clearly this was
necessary as the savages were by no means prepared to govern their countries
themselves.
Let us be realistic we didn’t come here to enlighten the
Africans, we came here to enjoy a better standard of living, Africa allowed colonizers
the ability to live in standards far beyond their means.
Lars Update: Week 1
The Arrival
Hey Hey,
Made it to Dar
Despite 2 hour engine 'trouble' at Gatwick.
Made unexpected landing in Uganda.
Lake Victoria is quite large
Saw Kilimanjaro and Meru: very nice
Long trip, made longer because I arrived sans luggage.
Going on 4 days in the same shorts, say no more.
At least the locals recognize me.
Met a Danish girl/and Canadian fellow quite nice to have instant friends.
Played Black Jack at the New Africa Hotel last night won 16.000 TSH.
Still don’t know how much that is.
Killed my first mosquito-he died in terrible pain
Danish MS guest house is perfect, haven't seen a single person staying there
Hot has a whole new meaning now.
The Security Guard was asleep when I came home last night.
I feel safe
It's a great place.
love, Lars
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Lars Update: Week 2
Jambo,
First off, let me tell you that African mosquitos are smarter than European
ones. Very crafty little buggers-
Luggage arrived.smell good once again.
How many people can you fit in a VW Bug? This was what I asked myself as I
hopped in to a Dalla Dalla (small passanger bus) this morning. quite crowded.
But cheap.
Soccer: The Danes beat the Swiss and then demolished the Italians- we cheered
very loudly.
Party at Valhalla (Norad and Danida) complex, met several interesting
Scandinavians. Have been offered a place to stay for a month, free. House
sitting in a mansion by the Slipway, on the coast. Free is good.
Tanzanians keep immaculately clean vehicles, yet they throw garbage wherever
they can. Odd.
People stare at me. And follow me. It's nice being popular.
I find myself lost, often. Street names don't really exist, they are merely
placed on maps to give the topographers something to do.
Holding hands with African men is something new.
I am getting used to cold showers, but I don't like it.
The Lonely Planet is my Bible.
Cockroaches are just plain HUGE, and yesterday I happened upon 500 migrating
jumbo bats, whose wing span would put a blue heron to shame.
No mention of either of those two creatures in the Lonely Planet.
The sky is new and refreshing, no longer does the Big Dipper (Carlsvognen)
grace the sky, but rather Scorpio, The Southern Cross and a number of other
constellations I have yet to figure out.
For those of you who wish to send care packages and snail mail please write
to the following address:
Lars Roberts
Canadian High Commission
38 Mirambo street/Garden Avenue
P.O. Box 1022
Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Thank you all for writing to me, I will get back to you on a less generic
level when I am using tax payers money and not my own.
I start this Wednesday.
Kwaheri (ciao)
Lars (Development Assistant)
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Lars Update: Week 3
Jambo,
Just got out of an hour long body massage done by a very professional Chinese
girl at the Sea Cliff, Lunchtime has never been spent so well. You can get quite
a lot for 10 000 Tsh.
I had know idea.
Driving & Roads:
The High Commission provides me with a driver, which is quite sensible as I
am always surprised to find the driver sitting in the passenger seat in front of
the steering wheel. He smiles as if to say "Jambo you stupid Bwana".
Damn her Majesty and the British system.
As I hit my head on the ceiling of the car for the tenth time I thought; add
10 inches of snow on these roads and presto: the best damn mogul run you'll ever
see.
Work:
My first week of work was spent trying to organize logistics, you know Phone,
cables for my computer, an email address, keys..time consuming, challenging
work. Things happen in their own sweet time. African Time.
Aga Khan Hospital:
Visited my birth place last week. No memories were conjured up. Still very
much an 'Indian' hospital, people gawked. A little surprised no one came up and
said "hey you're that little white guy that was born here in 1971."
Insects:
I saw 12 MEGA spiders the size of a fully stretched hand, up in a tree. Just
sitting there waiting for some unsuspecting fool. I expect there will be an
insect/animal insert in many of these updates.
Clarification:
from Dar Week 2: Regarding the "Holding Hands with African Men"
thing, many of you have commented on that. No, I have not 'switched teams' they
just do that. It's a bit different from the double pump action hand shake you
get in many places..I try to limit it as much as I can. Really, I do.
Cash:
Tanzanian Money is a lot like Italian Lire, you could EASILY drop a zero or
two and still need a calculator to do your groceries.
Things are blissful,
Bestest,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 4
Dear Some of All,
Travel: Visited Bongoyo Island this past weekend, 3 points of interest.
1) The cutter (Dhow) we sailed on should have been in a museum. (Fixed up and
then put in a museum)
2) Indian Ocean is like salty bath water. (Without the bubbles)
3) It was so hot on this island I thought my contacts would melt.
Tanzanians are terrified of dogs. I walk mine every day. Keeps the vendors
from getting too friendly.
It's different being a serious minority. Sometimes a little unnerving,
actually.
An Indian woman asked if I wanted to buy some shots. After a moment's
hesitation I said, "No thank you I've had all the vaccinations I
need." She looked confused and reiterated; "Shots, shots, shots."
I was still terribly confused and wanted to leave. I furrowed my brow and
shrugged my shoulders. Which usually works but she grabbed me by the cuff of my
shirt and said even louder, "SHOTS" and I said, "ohhhh Shirts!,
no thanks"
I've made a new friend. His name is Lars Roberts. The Larium is not causing
schizophrenia or hallucinations. It's really true. He's a 29 year old cop from
Australia. German mother, English Father. And you thought there could ONLY be
one.
I saw a monkey while I was out walking the dog. He came right up to us, a
metre away. Taunting the dog. I had him on a chain but he really wanted to get a
hold of that monkey, so I let him go. Man, I think that monkey was on steroids.
I had no idea they could run so fast. I'm evil.
Saturday night there was a party at the Finnish Compound. I fell in to a
discussion with a newly arrived young socialist Canadian girl. She had much to
say about Western Fascists and she had all the answers to development problems
in East Africa. Very inspiring, I took notes.
The 4 security guards and house girl call me Sir, Pappa or Master. I feel
very colonial and silly.
All's weeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllll,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 5
Arusha/Hanang/Kilimanjaro
Jambo,
I am up-country evaluating projects. I have been accosted by reality.
Tanzanian development projects are the scam of all scams. The poor beknighted
savages are not accountable for foreign aid money. It's a massive scam.
Flew to Kilimanjaro and drove up 6000 ft. Told my driver that "these
roads are shit" he replied "oohhh bwana, these roads are good."
Changed my first Land Rover tire.
Headline News: Vehicle Hits Giraffe, 5 Killed. (tell me, how do you NOT see a
giraffe?)
Swahili lesson: Mzungu: A person who does mysterious things, a rich man: A
White Man
My parents taught me never to stare. A Tanzanian cyclist coming towards me
was staring. staring. staring. Traffic sign- closer. closer. closer. SLAM. No
more staring. Now I know why.
Bought Robert Ruark's, UHURU. All about the days of the Mau Mau uprising,
Tanzania never saw that sort of violence. They’re a good deal more passive
than the Kenyans.
Business Idea: Buy Maize now and sell it back to the same people in 3 months.
Make a killing.
Saw a mob of blacks chasing an albino. Comic scene. He probably didn't think
so though.
Ate Impala last night. (not the car, but the animal.) Tough, but very tasty.
Went to the Q-Bar for my birthday and a young foxy girl came over and said
she wanted a drink. I told her I was "just a customer and that she would
get better service asking the bartender." My friends tell me she was a
hooker. Sure, burst my bubble.
Took a picture of a young girl with a basket of oranges on her head. I now
own 27 oranges. That'll teach me.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs. And so I suffer.
still kicking in Arusha,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 6
HamJambo (means 'how are all of you'), Sounds more like a sandwich to me.
I'll have two Hamjambo's to go please. And make it snappy.
Happy Thanks Giving to all you Canuks out there. I'll chew on some maize
paste and think of you all. I'll be fine.
I was almost mowed down by a herd of roaming Barabaig cattle.
A Barabaig Warrior (equipt with spear) stole my U.N. t-shirt off the clothes
line.
I think they’re pretty handy with those spears so I let him take it.
Fell feverishly ill on Thursday. House maid kept poking and prodding my
stomach, whispering "Malaria malaria malaria" Not what you want to
hear whispered in your ear. Driven to the closest doctor, 2 hrs away. Dr. Olsen
(Norwegian) had two lovely young interns who took real good care of me. Almost
forgot why I was there. I don't think they had seen a white bwana in many many
moons. Food Poisoning. Bad. That's the last time I eat raw meat and raw eggs
with a glass of pond water. The VERY last time.
Changed second Land Rover tire. Smack in the middle of miombo woodlands,
known for tse tse flies. I can confirm that. My driver said, "Before you
get out , remember that there are mambas, scorpions, many tse tse flies and
prowling lions."
I think Jacques Villeneuve's Formula 1 team would have been very proud. 8.9
seconds flat.
Saw my first Dik Dik. A small deer-like creature. Who gets to name these
things anyway? Boutros Boutros Ghali's Father?
Swahili Lesson: The word 'Nazi' = 'Coconut.' A fruit that needs to be cracked
open with a hammer. Yup, That pretty much sums it up.
Julis Nyerere, Father of the Nation. Worked for 30 years bashing Western
Capitalists and riling against colonialism. Today he is on his death bed. In
London, England. Capitalists build nice hospitals. Makes you think.
Black mambas and green mambas. Black mambas kill you in 6 minutes, green ones
kill you in 3. Do NOT pet these creatures.
My forehead is peeling. A peeling forehead is very very sexy.
Baadaye (later),
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 7
Julius Nyerere is dead.
Tanzania is in shock and chaos
The whole population is here in Dar.
30 million people want to see his week-old corpse
10 people have DIED waiting in line to see his week-old corpse
Waiting can take 6-7 HOURS.
I was wisked through with a UN delegation. Took me about 3 minutes.
Would rather have seen him alive
Visited Zanzibar with current step Mom.
Spice is nice
The Island is separatist, non conformist and acts as an independent country
Two words: Islamic Quebec
I have been offered a position at the Canadian Embassy in Copenhagen
Will accept (Aide to Ambassador Mary Simon, Political Section)
Will fly out at undetermined date
Very pleased
The roads are good in Denmark
Swahili Lesson: ’Shikamoo’ means "I get down on my knees and kiss
your toes."
Try it on your Boss. It might work
Bonus lesson: UHURU means "freedom".
Got shagged on an island with this Greek Goddess from the UN delegation …
hence the quick movement in the line-up. Membership has its privileges.
Kwaherini (see ya’ all later),
Pappa
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Lars Update: Week 8
Survived the Foreign Service Exam. A long day of logic questions, reading
comprehension and Foreign Service Scenarios.
Climbed Mt. Hanang (11.000 ft.) with a Peace Corps girl. She got us very
lost. Followed some leopard tracks. Though in hindsight I don’t really know
why. They’re quite large.
Tanzanians NEVER have small change. It’s a freaking mission to get money
back when you buy a coke.
Dr. Livingstone died under a tree, somewhere in the heart of Tanzania. Part
of that tree was made in to a crucifix. I touched it.
My Grandmother used to have a pillbox with the days of the week printed on
it. I thought this was because she was going senile. This was not the case. Ask
me if I took my malaria pills today. I don’t
know. I just DON’T know. Gotta get me one of them boxes.
There’s so much dust here. On a recent trip south of Arusha, I swallowed
enough dust to make a veritable sandbox. Probably good for the colon though.
Ebony isn’t always ebony, it could be black shoe polish.
Intestinal disorders may be experienced in the first few weeks
Those are my thoughts for now,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 9
The Halloween Episode (Parental Supervision Recommended)
Mambo,
If you don’t like bees or spiders you may want to skip this next part:
A loud buzzing insect careened past my head. Messed my hair up, it was that
big. I looked around, couldn’t see it. Forgot about it… blissfully unaware
that this thing was on my shoe. I was wearing shorts. It crawled up on to my
ankle. I looked down, had a brain aneurysm and shook my leg till I thought it
would fall off. Upon closer (yet still distant) inspection this creature looked
to be a mix between a Tarantula and a Bumble Bee. It sported a monster yellow
body, jumbo wings and 6 big black hairy legs.
Go ahead, combine the two. As if they weren’t a bloody menace on their own.
Lonely Planet failed yet again to inform me of its existence. Who wants to
know if there are shower curtains in Hotel X? I want to know if I can risk
running in to a Tarantula-Bee. I think that’s valid information.
Have I mentioned that it is getting hotter down here? Spring is in the air
and it’s 40 degrees Celsius. I’m not really complaining, just noting with
concern.
Danced a tribal jig with some locals. I mean, how big a fool can you make of
yourself in just a few minutes, right?
I have now been banned from dancing on yet another Continent.
Denmark is the flattest Country in the World, everyone owns a Mountain Bike.
In Tanzania (NOT the flattest Country in the World), everyone owns a City Bike.
Someone got the orders mixed up. That HAS to be the reason.
Two Canadians were held-up at gun point down by the Slipway.
Having lunch at The Amadeus when an Ostrich walked by my table. I think I
swallowed my fork.
Tanzanian thieves regularly steal pieces of water pumps and melt down the
metal, for jewelry. They also use electrical wiring for making pretty bracelets.
This way they can sell our donations back to us. It’s brilliant. There is no
electricity or water, and we’ve paid them twice. I’m such a cynic.
Two rival elephant herds have been blamed for recent hut trashing. The
notorious leader of Herd A has been deported to a zoo in London, England, where
he will be detained until further notice.
Kiswahili lessons are going well. I am a constant source of amusement for my
Tzn. colleagues. The number 10 can (if mispronounced) sound like a woman’s uh,
private area. Pronunciation is key.
My lodging has just been fumigated to keep the bugs out. We no longer have
bugs, but I can’t stand being inside because it reeks of smoke. Now we’re
both outside.
Outside looking in,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 10
Mambo,
I’m taking a Tanzanian culture course within the framework
of my Kiswahili lessons. Cultural Faux Pas’ can lead to embarrassing moments.
For instance: We were told that farting in public was deemed rude. It’s good
to be culturally aware, I think.
Thanks to Julius Nyerere, Tanzania comprises over 120 tribes
who can be said to live in relative harmony. The exception to the rule is the
occasional cattle raid where one tribe goes in to a village and chops victims to
pieces with machetes, burns down huts and then steals the cattle.
Gecco’s are lizard-like creatures. They climb everywhere.
They eat mosquitos. We like them a lot. They are very fast and do not like to be
cuddled.
I was chatting with a diving instructor who told me that
"…it is important that people resist the temptation to ride on the backs
of giant turtles as this causes them great anxiety." The rest of the
evening I wondered whether he meant the turtles or the people? And how would one
measure turtle anxiety, exactly?
A Tanzanian taught me a new trick. Peel a banana, put it in a
bag and throw it in the freezer overnight. This makes for a tasty snack. This
fab idea will not spread throughout Tanzania as mud huts tend not to have deep
freezers.
Crime rate is quite low here. I attribute this to mob
justice. Wananchi (The People) will chase down suspected criminals, douse them
in gasoline and burn them alive. This is an excellent deterrent to crime AND
keeps the jails from overcrowding.
Tanzanian Beer is very good. Kilimanjaro, Kibo and Safari
have all won international brewery competitions. Most importantly, they are
cheap and come in half litre bottles.
Keeping busy,
Badaaye,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 11
Salamu,
Apparently some of you have the wrong impression of what I am
doing down here. Let me clarify. I’m not just chasing Tanzanians around with
my dog. I do other things too.
Department of Foreign Affairs actually has me performing some
function here. I am on loan to CIDA’s Programme Support Unit. I attend A LOT
of meetings, I look at projects, I edit papers, I discuss incredibly important
topics at lunch by the sea side, and I’m driven to the squash court at 4 pm.
See, I do work. It ain’t just martinis and cattle raids.
On a side note, Tanzanians like to have meetings to arrange
when they will hold their next meeting. Nothing substantial ever happens in the
first meeting. We call it the "greeting meeting". It’s a great way
to get in shape, because most of the people I want to talk to invariably work on
the 8 floor.
I’ve been hanging out with a Harvard Doctor. She’s a
Psychiatrist. She frowns a lot when we talk, which worries me a little. I try
not to think about it much.
In a recent meeting on the Zanzibar independence movement, a
French Canadien asked the speaker what he thought the ramifications of
separation would be. Was it a coincidence the question was raised by a
Quebecois?
I DON’T THINK SO. I think I heard him whisper: "Vive
la Zanzibar libre!" but I’m not sure.
I thought I was The Barter King. I haggled this chap down
from 12.000 to 3.500 Shillings. Proud of myself, I showed my new acquisition to
a friend. He said, "You paid that much?"
Is that really necessary? I mean, just appease me. How rude.
Went to the U.S. Marines Compound to see "Austin Powers:
The Spy Who Shagged Me". Mike Myers is a funny funny man. Did not feel
shafted at all.
Playing a lot of squash these days. The courts are not
air-conditioned. It’s kind of like playing in a sauna. It’s a great way to
lose weight and not recommended for those with heart conditions, or small lungs.
I spent the weekend on an island owned by some friends. The
morning I arrived a dead body was found floating along the beach. A suicide
victim. It was quite unpleasant.
Apart from that, the snorkelling was fabulous, I saw sharks
and barracudas.
Before I went down I was given a list of about 43 things not
to touch. It was like being in a candy store all over again. "Don’t touch
don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch."
I was told; "sharks only come in this far to breed.
Sharks don’t feed when they breed." Cute. But, you know what? There are
always exceptions to the rule. Some shark is going to say to herself, "man
was that ever a difficult delivery.. I sure could go for a little snack…"
Saw a bushbaby (a primitive primate). It fell out of a tree,
hit the tin roof, rolled loudly off of it and hit the ground with a thud. It had
been drinking fermented coconut milk, and it was piss drunk.
Still treading water,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 12
The Sting
Someone has suggested that I am actually sitting by a pool in Florida making all
this stuff up. I am certain this is not Florida, there aren’t nearly enough
Quebecers here.
My Kiswahili class was invaded by a swarm bees yesterday. Not
the tarantula-hairy-legged type bees, just the regular African Killer Bees.
I learned how to say " Run for your life" in
Kiswahili.
Caught the security guards watching porno movies in the wee
hours. They were quite surprised to see me. Actually, they were very very
surprised.
Killing rhino, leopard and lion is bad. Killing the poachers
who do it is OK. Just don’t report it because the police hate paper work.
I’m preparing to go snorkelling on Mafia Island. Something
tells me that the marketing-strategist-guy wasn’t present at the Island Naming
Meeting.
When I walk around at night I walk on the pavement to avoid
snakes. Recently I was told: "snakes slither out of the grass onto the
pavement at night because they are attracted to the heat radiating from the
road." Now I walk in the grass, but I’m not happy about it.
Why is it that whenever I see a sign "Watch Out For
Falling Coconuts" I look up? That has got to be one of the stupidest things
to do.
Pokemon. I am hearing things about something called Pokemon.
What the hell is a Pokemon?
Went to the premiere of a UNICEF film, about children’s
rights, produced by a buddy of mine,
(Lawrence Price) all the actors were street kids- It was
good. Though, do not expect to see it at a theatre near you.
Snorkelled off Mbudya Island with a few friendly stewardesses
from Swiss Air.
I saw a Sting Ray. Swam backwards to get away from it, which
proved not to be a good idea. Landed amongst a number of baby Portuguese Men of
War. Long dangling threads of fire burned my arms, back, chest and legs. Imagine
yourself being flogged by stinging nettles. Then imagine you’re half a
kilometre off shore.
Thank God for Swiss Air attendants.
Still Tingling,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 13
The Mafia
Salamu Marafiki (Dear Friends),
People on 4 Continents have given me The Pokemon Scoop. Boy,
am I missing out.
Spent American Thanks Giving on a beautiful, remote island.
Despite a plethora of bird life, No turkey available, apparently. Ate squid
instead. Just wasn't the same.
Mafia Island: Tanzania's first Marine reserve. 1995. One of
the largest in the Indian Ocean. Fishermen are not allowed to touch much of the
area. The Hotel Manager told me, "If you see clams while you are
snorkelling you can bring them to the hotel. We will cook them for you, but it's
illegal."
This guy came up to me on the beach and said "How about
you give me your sunglasses." I said, "Why?" He replied,
"Because I want them."
"I see. How about, uh No?". Astonished at my gall, he left. What gets
in to some people?
This time it was my turn to be chased by monkeys. I was
hunted by two rabid Colobus monkeys. I was pleasantly surprised to find they
weren't good swimmers, and as of yet do not carry rifles. Though I firmly
believe our days are numbered.
A "Mafia Special" is not a revolver. It is coconut
juice mixed with konyagi (Tanzanian Moonshine) and served in a fresh coconut.
Nevertheless, still quite lethal.
Flying fish and shooting stars. Two things the person sitting
next to you will NEVER see. "Hey did you see that?" He will ALWAYS
say, "hmm, see what?"
Snorkelled in a gorgeous clear lagoon. It was like swimming
in an aquarium, without the fake castle at the bottom. These colourful fish
would follow me around, like I was dinner or something.
Returning from this snorkel excursion our boatman
miscalculated the tides. We were stranded off shore well in to the night. I
counted 73.454.002 heavenly bodies, minus the 16 shooting stars and 4
satellites.
Small boats and small planes combined with rough weather make
my tummy very unhappy. Just down right unpleasant.
I saw these young kids excitedly rolling metal hoops down the
street. I went up to one of them and asked to borrow it. Bent down, put it
around my waist and started gyrating like a maniac. I have never seen so many
people laugh so hard at my expense. They will remember me as the mzungu who
introduced the Hula Hoop to Mafia Island.
I have snorkel fever.
Blub blub,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 14
Tin Tin meets Carlos Jordan
It’s Ramadan time: co-workers are fasting. This makes them
moody.(and hungry?). I try not to walk around with fresh doughnuts and muffins.
Who says I’m not sensitive. Mmmmm doughnuts.
Eating at a small Italian restaurant when this fellow from my
Uni days in Bruxelles comes up to me. Imagine my surprise. Carlos Jordan,
accompanied by 3 lovely ladies and posing as some international Casanova is
currently traversing Africa. We spent the night gossiping and spreading nasty
rumours about fellow Vesalians. Good Times.
A Copper pulled me over last night at 01:00 for driving down
the wrong way on a one way. He had a machine gun. Had to pay him 5000 TSH to get
him to forget the infraction. Appeasement is key. Who’s the corrupt one?
Shhhhhh. Don’t tell anyone.
Vehicles are a nuisance to cows who have the right of way.
I saved a young American couple from harassment by a
fanatical Islamic security guard who was chastising them. He had a hold of their
shirts and kept repeating "No sex. No sex. No sex." They had been
smooching on a downtown bench. Damn kids.
Diplomatic Spouses Christmas sale at the Slipway. I had no
idea there were so many women in Dar. Every woman in Dar was there. I think all
the men were at a downtown bar. They should have Xmas more often.
Y2K testing computers at our Morogoro projects. Sent my
driver to get me some doughnuts and bread rolls for breakfast. He came back with
4 hamburgers and 2 whole chickens.
Note to self: must work on my Swahili.
East African Community has signed yet another Treaty.
Tanzania, Uganda and Kenya have modelled their Union on the EU and hope to form
a Federation. I’ll be holding my breath.
Headline News: 2 escaped convicts enjoyed short-lived
freedom. They were eaten by hungry lions on the other side of the prison walls.
(Damn those Zebra-Striped uniforms .)
Enjoyed the Finnish Xmas party. Was forced to sing ‘Rudolph
The Red Nosed Reindeer’ in front of 100 smiling Finns. Considering changing my
career plans.
Tanzanian Police have received cars with sirens. They are
testing them vigorously.
Survived Nordic Sports Day Marathon. Barely
Kwa Herini,
Rudolph.
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Lars Update: Week 15
Katesh, Tarangire,: Way Way Way out there.
A tad late, sorry. Communications are difficult sometimes.
Trekking this weekend. Rarely have I been so lost. A mad flash thunderstorm
changed the contours of the land so tremendously that I became confused. No
telephone poles to follow.
The Nairobi Fly: This bug will land on you, spew concentrated acid on your
skin and leave you with a nasty festering boil. I would also like to add that
you do not have to be in Nairobi to come across this evil beast.
Caught a young girl stealing the padlock off a water tank. She didn’t want
the water apparently, she wanted to use the lock to make ear rings. How very
clever.
It’s Flying Termite season. Endless hours of fun for the kids. We played
with snow flakes around Christmas when I was young.
Tanzanian coffee is mixed with Columbian coffee beans to give it that great
East African aroma. Who says scams can’t taste good.
I saw a woman snatch a praying mantis from a guy’s shirt and start petting
it. Is that weird or did elongated insects become beloved creatures when I wasn’t
paying attention?
I have noticed that young African juveniles are wearing wool caps. It’s 40
degrees here. Sometimes it drops down to 27, so I guess it’s understandable.
Brrrrrrrrr 27.
The latest 007 movie has emerged on video from sources in Malaysia. The World
is too much.
So far I don’t think I’ve dented the corruption level here yet. Tanzania
is still the fifth most corrupt nation in the World. They were probably the most
corrupt but some official bought the guy compiling the data.
We dumped a whole lot of money on an Up Country project this week. People are
so friendly when you have a suitcase full of cheques.
When you get outside of Dar everyone wants a lift somewhere, anywhere. I don’t
think they really need to go anywhere, they just want to ride in a car.
Toured Tarangire National Park. This is the home of the tree
climbing pythons, and tree climbing lions. Yet another good reason to STAY IN
YOUR VEHICLE
Xmas is coming..ho ho ho,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 16
The Family Cometh
You can run but you can’t hide. Lea and Mom are arriving
Friday. Xmas Eve.
4 months is a long time to go without seeing the number one
son. I understand that. As long as they come loaded with presents it’s all
good.
Mom has tried this Country before. Lea, with her long blonde
hair, blue eyes and her deceptively innocent smile will be a walking -let’s
–sell- the -tourist- the- dumbest- thing- imaginable-magnet.
Maybe I can sell her off for a few cattle, and a good donkey.
Cultural insight you always wanted to know:
The Masai folk reside in the Kilimanjaro region. These people will do anything
to please their cattle. They’re VERY fond of cattle. In my opinion, sometimes
a little too fondle.
Not for the queasy:
Masai Warriors drink from gourds containing a mixture of
blood and milk, curdled in cow urine and wood ash. I haven’t tried it, but my
gut instinct says don’t bother.
For the Kikuyu Tribe there are about 57 calamities which
demand the slaughter of a cow to appease the spirits. For example: spilling
water while cooking potatoes, or a child falling from a mother’s back and
notably: beer foaming out of a gourd.
Beer spillage is definitely grounds for slaughter.
Chris Chartrand is in Arusha awaiting my arrival so that we
can climb the mountain. We hope to be sucking on champagne popsicles, January 1,
2000 atop Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Along with 700 other silly oxygen deprived fools.
The short rainy season has creeped up on us, damn it. If I
wanted rain for Christmas I’d go to back to Bruxelles.
Merry Christmas, God Jul, Joyeux Noel and Heri Ya Kristmas
See you all on the Other Side.
Cheers,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 17
In to Thinner Air: Approximately 20.000 ft./6000 m
Dear All,
The assault on Mt. Kilimanjaro was a success. I have the T-shirt to prove it.
No headaches
No nosebleeds
No vomiting
Did encounter serious fatigue, a roaring pain in my right knee and a hell of a
facial scalding, it’d be bright up there.
Kilimanjaro is not a walk in the park.
Climbing conditions: At times we climbed seemingly endless
ridges, trudged for hours through morasses of saturated jungle (carefully
avoiding jumping leaches) and scrambled up and down ankle breaking scree slopes
while navigating through thick fog mingled with hail and gusts of sleet.
It was very cold. Have you ever tried sleeping with 3 layers
of pants on? Be certain that when you get that third pair on and you’re lying
bundled in your sleeping bag, you’ll have to take a pee. It’s a given.
It was windier than necessary.
There wasn’t nearly enough oxygen for all of us. Every two
steps it was rest time, it was like walking with my grandmother all over again.
Diamox (altitude pills) and 5 litres of water a day result in
vast amounts of liquids being passed through the system. You learn this pretty
quickly.
The hassle of late night ‘nature calls’ was only saved by
the moon struck snowy peak of Kibo amidst a sea of stars. Indescribably
spectacular.
We saw a porter fall off The Western Breach, (extremely ill
advised) he passed out from the cold and fell backwards 30 metres. He survived.
It’s a good thing he wasn’t carrying the eggs though.
2 people died. They just didn’t heed the warning signs of
altitude sickness. A very poor way to start the new millennium.
We climbed the final 8 hours throughout the night so as to
catch the sun rise at the crater rim early January 1. 2000. I could easily have
skipped the midnight climb. Still no feeling in my left big toe, and a patch of
frost bite on my right hand. Chris fell asleep on the last ledge. It was a very
long night.
Duracell batteries do not do well in sub zero temps. My
headlamp went dead way before dawn. Since my fingers were completely numb, I
just followed the voices that were yelling "Look out, Falling rocks!!"
Did not bother to carry water with me on last climb. Did not
realise that I would have to also climb down 3000 metres without water. 17 hours
I walked that day. 17 hours. I have never been so damn thirsty.
My group was exceptionally lucky. Most of us (13 of 16) made it to Uhuru peak. A
couple bailed prematurely with altitude sickness. In particular the macho Texan
boy who boasted his abilities just a tad more than necessary. He blew chunks
(retched) and missed the summit by 200 metres.
Uhuru Peak was nice. It was a Kodak moment, for some. Chris
fell asleep at the top.
Fantastic vistas: ice mountains, a gorgeous crater, Mt. Kenya
in the background, Mt. Meru to the West, and a sign that said,
"Congratulations you’ve reached the highest point in Africa". The
rest is a cold, windy blur.
Gave the champagne popsicles a skip.
No matter how much further we had to go, our guide told us
there were only 15 minutes left.
He lied. Every time.
Mom and Lea were waiting to collect my body when I hobbled
down on Day 6, three hours late.
They spent their New Year’ s Eve in the warm confines of
beautiful Ngorongoro Crater Lodge. Now, why didn’t I think of that?
It’s good to be on The Other Side, hope all of you suffered
dreadful hangovers.
Happy New Millennium to all of you-
LARS
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Lars Update:
The Lost Weeks; 18,19,20
Family visits take up a lot of time
During Christmas dinner the electricity went out in Tanga, Arusha and Dar es
Salaam. Fortunately we were eating at the New Africa Hotel, they had a
generator
Others weren't so lucky, they ate their turkey's raw and in the dark. From
the 9th floor restaurant we saw the lights go out in a whole city.
"Uh honey, maybe we shouldn't have put that last string of lights on the
tree..."
Took the family to Zanzibar. Lea has dubbed the capital (Stone Town) to
Stink Town.
Quite appropriate as the garbage is piled high and the streets are filthy.
The Spice Tour: cinnamon trees, pepper vines, clove trees, and ginger
plants. Just ask me anything, I know way more than necessary about all of
these.
We went dolphin watching, they didn't come. Spent the day cruising the
waters calling "Flipper, Flipper, Flipper" to no avail. The good news;
Mom
did not get sea sick.
Someone spotted an octopus and 4 Tanzania guides dove in to the water and
chased it. After bashing its skull to bits, we had suction cups for lunch.
Spent a few days in Nungwi. North Island. Blissful. Went snorkeling off
Mnemba Atoll. Bill Gates spent New Year's Eve there he wants to buy it and
start a little dive & snorkel business. It might work.
There were hoards of colorful, florescent, weird, scary, elongated, ugly,
cute, tasty fish. It was like swimming in a National Geographic picture. I
think I saw 7 Japanese tourists with underwater cameras.
Red Colobus Monkeys are found on Zanzibar. We saw about 20 on the periphery
of Jozani National Park, our chauffeur let us out of the tour bus to have a
look. He shouldn't have done that. Lea just wouldn't get back in the
vehicle. The park warden saw us and demanded park fees from all 10 of us. We
refused. He threatened to take our driver as ransom, to which someone at the
back yelled, "Go ahead take the little bastard, he was hitting all the pot
holes anyway."
I note that Tanzanian monkeys tend to cause me a lot of grief.
Zanzibar is mainly Moslem dominated. Moslem prayer can be heard blasting
from loud speakers 5 times a day. I especially enjoy the one at 5 AM.
Really.
'Eid', this is the day when the Moslem fasting period finishes and massive
gastronomic indulgences are induced. We attended a huge celebration. I hate
crowds, Mom held my hand. It was ok.
Death toll from Kilimanjaro climb has been increased to 5. Officials have
been keeping the figures quiet.
We have toured every Makonde carving site (special ebony carvings from
Southern Tanzania) this side of the Congo. I'm a good tourist guide. Come
see me, I give you special price.
Lea was in awe of the local scene and the locals were in awe of Lea. They
will miss her virtuous features.
The family has departed. Nothing lost, nothing stolen, everything went to
plan.
I have had a weekend to recuperate
Started new CIDA consultancy job on Jan 15.
The vacation is over,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 21
Zanzibar Erupts
Hope you all had a weekiendi njema.
Treasonous riots have rocked Zanzibar. Expect more of this to come. It's a
smelly hot spot.
Twice a week I sit on my veranda, scotch in hand, and listen to a choir at
the nearby church. It's very soothing, Africa is very stressful you know.
I sprayed about 100 ants congregating in my bedroom. Sprayed 'em dead. The
next day I noticed a massive undulating black spot on my wall. It seems
about 5000 energetic ants had come to the funeral. When you kill ants: sweep
them up, and bury them.
The Neem Tree (mwarobaini); These trees are said to cure some 40 diseases.
We should plant more of them.
Some Tanzanian animals have peculiar traits, like the tree climbing lions,
the tree climbing pythons. I have also observed jumping spiders. They're
very hard to catch, not to mention down right weird.
On a recent excursion my land cruiser was surrounded by people. A lady kept
pointing at me and repeating very loudly: "Is that a man or a woman?"
Come
on, don't force me to grow facial hair.
2 years ago the Tanzanian government revoked the heavy vehicle licenses of
all women. No word on how this has effected road safety conditions, but I
have my suspicions.
Last night I asked my cab driver for a receipt, he just handed me a blank
one. This leads me to believe that international development workers aren't
always honest with their expense accounts.
The African Cup (soccer) has begun. I told my guards they were welcome to
watch the opening match with me. They said they would come by and watch
through the window. I suppose my sofa's just not comfy enough.
Regarding pesky African flies, I have been told: "We live with them,
but we
don't like them." That's the Tanzanian way.
On that note,
See you next week.
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 22
Off to Prison
Mambo vipi,
Just a few weeks remaining here in Tanzania, departure date is approaching
in an apocalyptic frenzy
I just realized I haven't checked a weather forecast in 6 months. It just
doesn't matter, it's always Sun. Sun. Sun. I hope Ground Hog Day brought
some hope for those of you in less privileged climates.
Many Tanzanians perished when a Kenyan Airways flight crashed into the
Atlantic Ocean off Abidjan
Thousands flee areas in the Democratic Republic of the Congo believing rebel
soldiers were attacking, in reality it was just a volcano erupting, ohhh good
news, it's just molten lava.
Thieves use car jacks to pry window frames apart in order to remove the grid
iron bars. Car jacks really are multi-purpose.
Never order red wine at Tanzanian room temperature. It's rather, uh, warm.
During dinner at a colleague's place we heard glass breaking, three blood
curdling screams, and then 4 gun shots. Apparently 2 intruders surprised the
American couple next door. The American owner found his trusty magnum and
killed one of them, blew out the second guy's knee caps.
We skipped dessert.
I went to Prison Island, not for incarceration purposes, but to snorkel. I
saw giant porpoises.
Did the dolphin thing again, brought my dolphin whistle this time. They were
all around our boat. We bonded, it was like that movie Deep Blue. Except I
can't hold my breath that long.
Instant gratification, a phenomenon known to us Westerners. Tanzanians can
wait, man they can wait for hours. They just sit and hang out until
something happens. Their patience is beyond compare.
My finger tips have been tingling lately, I think it may be the onset of
leprosy
Still holding things together,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 23
O’Be My Valentine
My Dear Valentines
Started a scuba diver’s course. They give us led packets to weight us down.
Because the 200 kg ballistic missile they put on our back just isn’t enough.
My scuba instructor is a California babe. I can’t
concentrate when she’s wearing that damn wet suit all the time.
Avoid embolisms. They’re very bad.
Moving right along; it has been reported that a gang of human
skin hunters in Southern Tanzania/Zambia are carving up people with especially
fine epidermal layers and selling these hides to eccentric witches who need
smooth skin for their potions. Brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘hand
bag’.
The Tanzanian Electric Company has attributed frequent power interruptions to
vandals, who extract oil from transformers causing them to explode.
You would think the electric fences they have protecting the
transformers would work. After all, it is an electric company. But they don’t.
Canada and Denmark have been accused of funding opposition
parties in hopes of blocking proposed amendments to the Tanzanian Constitution.
As a representative of both countries I have to say it’s all lies lies lies,
we’re not trouble makers.
Cows. This country is full of them, millions of them, rampant
everywhere you look (it’s worse than a Far Side cartoon) they stalk you, block
your path, harass you, and mow your lawn without asking. You think you could get
a glass of milk here. Not on your life.
People own cows here to show their wealth. Buy a freaking
Mercedes like everybody else and hook those damn cows up to a milking machine.
Don’t forget Pancake Day, (Tue. 15th ) As luck
would have it, I have maple syrup.
I hope someone bought you chocolates,
Sweet Kisses,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 24
Satan's Ceiling Fan
The roar from my ceiling fan is tremendous. I think it's possessed by Satan.
I'm sure I have diminished hearing. Not to mention chronic bad-hair days
from this freaking windmill over my head.
Off to Mombasa (Kenya) and Pemba Island to test my certified open water
scuba skills. Captain Kidd hid treasure on the island in the 1600's.
Somewhere. If they haven't found it yet, I may have to stay awhile.
Voodoo is rife. I'll see if they give lessons. If any of you are feeling pin
pricks in nasty places...it's me being evil.
In this country, spare parts and caviar are equally rare commodities. Just
so you know.
Met this Brit writing his PhD on Bush Babies (small drunk primates). My
opinion: The guy is addicted to fermented coconut juice and needs to find a
reason to stay in Tanzania.
Sexually transmitted diseases are wide spread. Many people have red eyes
from chlamydia. Unfortunately red eyed individuals are suspected of being
witches.
Suspected witches are sometimes thrown into deep wells, left to suffocate or
drown. This cuts back on the spread of disease, and maybe a few true
witches, I suppose.
Please note there is a difference between witches and witch doctors. The
latter are OK.
I thought I was coming down with dengue fever, my Swedish witch doctor told
me to "shut up, go home, take a salt pill and drink some water."
Water. I consume so much damn water.
If there's a water shortage in Dar, they're going to come looking for me.
Received a nasty gash on my knee while playing soccer maul. I would really
like to meet the fellow who first thought to disinfect an open wound with
iodine. Just for a few minutes.
Went on a safari to Ngorongoro Crater to see the Big Five: Rhino, Lion,
Leopard, Elephant and Buffalo. Tanzania is like being in a zoo, without the
bars.
I drove north through the Maasai Amboseli Game Reserve to Nairobi. Also known
as Nairobbery.
Nairobi means 'The Cold Place' Which suggests that whoever named the place
was suffering from the Malaria chills. The equator is really not that cold.
Dinner at The Carnivore included Waterbuck, Zebra and Crocodile. I asked the
waiter for a veggie burger, but he didn't laugh. Meat eaters; tough crowd.
Overheard an American tourist excitedly exclaim, "They really DO live in
Huts!!"
Yup.
I've been bird watching. Not the most riveting of sports, but it's safe. The
warm climate here spawns some colourful Kingfishers, Bee eaters and Orioles.
Not to mention, it's a great way of keeping track of the neighbor's
daughter.
The days are just packed,
Lars
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Lars Update: Week 25
The Final Episode: Out of Africa
How I have appreciated Tanzania
1. I will never ever complain about a single pothole ever again.
2. A Tanzania's laugh is always just under the surface, waiting to jump
out
at you. In a good way
3. I will be extremely careful of abuse of our water resources
4. I will probably always carry a pouch containing small change, just in
case
5. I expect to complain more vehemently about expensive beer
6. Waiting a half hour for fast food will seem normal
7. I will relish being ignored when walking downtown
8. Vacations will never again be spent by lakes, rivers or oceans below 25
degrees.
9. If my computer does not respond for some reason, I will accept it
10. I will cherish our non-malaria infected mosquitoes
11. I will continue to sleep with a mosquito net, just because it's cozy
12. I will not be as naïve about development aid as I have been
13. I will feel a closer bond to aquarium fishies
14. I will probably never complain about public transport being two and a
half minutes late, probably
15. I understand now that I am very very lucky, comparatively speaking
16. There is so much potential here and so little infrastructure to realize
it.
17. A little realism should be added to the fluffy, idealistic, anti
colonial, guilt appeasing nature of development aid
18. Corruption is RIFE, and not just the African politicians either..
19. I will not miss shoe-hiding-scorpions or tarantula bees
20. I am likely to steer clear of monkeys
21. I will wear sun screen
22. I will be grateful for electricity, may even invest in a generator
23. I note with some concern that Karen Blixen complained about some of the
very same things in her Letters from Africa in 1914.
24. East Africa can be very romantic
25. I will be back
Africa is a crazy place, these Dar Updates basically wrote themselves. I was
mostly an active observer. That's right, an oxymoron. This country is full
of contradictions, so I fit right in. There were many fantastic experiences,
I hope seeing them through my eyes gave you just a little glimpse of the
chaos and beauty this place has to offer. Nimependezwa sana. I've enjoyed
myself very much.
That's all from The Dark Continent.
Badaaye,
Lars
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Africa is a crazy place, these Dar Updates basically wrote
themselves. I was mostly an active observer. That’s right, an oxymoron. This
country is full of contradictions, I fit right in. There were many fantastic
experiences, I hope seeing them through my eyes gave you just a little glimpse
of the chaos and beauty this place has to offer. Nimependezwa sana. I’ve
enjoyed myself very much.
That’s all from The Dark Continent.
Badaaye,
Lars
